The Business of Dying

As I explore the fabulous blogs that are out there, in this site, I am amazed at the wide variation of themes. I also note recurring themes and it seems that the human experience is meant to be shared. In doing so, laughter, enlightenment, education, wit, beauty and so much more are made available to all readers. I would like to think that we all have something to share. And so far, my experience of this site, reassures me that this is the case. I have found myself laughing fit to burst (Harsh Reality, Opinionated Man), moved (Geo Sans), entranced (PICZLoad), enlightened and amused (Marian The Seminarian) and well, pretty much every range of emotion as I gaily follow so many impressive people. I’ve only been on here a few days and I’ve hardly been off it. I can’t stop reading. (Not doing much for the writing).

I said in my Blog that I would date any entries that are ‘old’ writing. This is one of them. It’s still close to my heart. And I know, from speaking to others since my Mum’s death, that the experience is universal and also unique.

(21/10/09)

The business of dying is more difficult than the business of living. No matter how busy or arduous your life nothing surely can compare to how hard it is to go through the process of diminishing unto death. Getting up early, organising family, food, chores et al can all be done with some effort. Being unable, gradually or suddenly, to do anything for oneself is frustrating, humiliating, overwhelming.

How can one cope with the loss of all independence? How does one resign oneself to decreasing ability, mobility, choice?

My mum is dying and it’s not easy for anyone. We watch and tend and listen, trying to comfort, minister, alleviate.

Mum, though, does not understand why. Why does she have leukaemia? Why does she feel so tired? Why does she have to go for transfusions? Why does she have a catheter? Why do these nurses and carers have to be coming in? Rationally and in conversation she understands. These things can be explained – she is not without her mental faculties. But inside her heart she does not understand why. It’s as if death should come and take her by surprise. Instead, it is creeping through her body, insinuating itself slowly and mercilessly. She cannot let go to life – she is, after all, still alive. The desire to remain so is strong and inbuilt. But she is tired. Tired to the bone and tired of feeling the way she does. If death has to come she wants to go to sleep and be taken by it. Staying awake and being aware of its insidious progress is tortuous for her. She knows it is happening deep down – deep down in the marrow of her bones and deep down within herself.

Acknowledging the onset of death – the end of life – the departure from loved ones – I don’t know how anyone deals with this. Nothing in real experience has taught me how it would be. It is all foreign ground – to me and to my family.

The movie experience of dying is written from someone else’s experience or imagination and it is no help to the individuals involved in our own drama.

Mum is suffering, surely. But it is not physical pain for which there is pain relief. Her torment is an earth – bound purgatory, neither living nor dead.

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Half the World

You say you’re weak

Well that’s okay

Half the world is made that way.

You say you’re hurt

I know that’s true

Half the world is hurting too.

You say you cry

Your tears they flow

Half the world weeps, just so you know

You say you’re dead

That you feel sad

Half the world feels just as bad.

You say you wait

For better days

Half the world is in that daze

All your worries

We have too

Half the world feels just like you.

You feel trapped

So do we

Half the world wants to be free.

Shake yourself

Live your life

Half the world lives in such strife.

The Veteran

The Veteran

I only met them a few times. For me, the final encounter was the best.

The wheelchair I was temporarily confined to ought to have protected me from any cruel remarks. It proved, however, to be no barrier to them and no armour for me. I felt every word they threw at me.

At first, I had been angry to be restrained in such a way but I knew that life brought its own trials and, gradually, I had begun to accept the necessity of my conveyance.

‘It is only for a little while,’ my daughter, Anne, had reminded me time and again.

My ill-temper had abated and now I allowed Anne to push me around the town. There was little point in attempting to do so myself: I was useless at steering and there were too many hills to negotiate safely in the out-dated contraption they had given me at the hospital.

I was embarrassed at being so immobilised but I did not expect these feelings to be aggravated by ridicule. Not, that is, until we met the little swine. For swine they were: truffling about in the twilight; scenting out delights of trouble; heedless of anyone or anything else but their own malicious pursuits. I had seen them before, in passing. Now, travelling at this forcedly slow pace, there could be no passing. Only confrontation.

‘I like your pram, auld man!’ one wit called.

‘Give us a hurl,’ said another, looking sideways for approval from the first.

My daughter said nothing and continued to push the chair as if she had heard nothing. I wanted to say two words but I had always avoided swearing in the presence of my children. Not that it would have shocked her. No-one could avoid hearing it these days. Where once foul language had been the preserve of navvies, now you could hear it on any bus or street: from male or female, regardless of age; without any thought for who could overhear.

What I would not have given to have told them where to go. But I was disciplined. And abstinence from cursing within my family circle for so long left me speechless now. Instead, I ignored them and muttered to myself, keeping the annoyance within.

The second meeting happened some time later. Again, my daughter was with me.

Having dwelt on the previous encounter for so long afterwards, I knew I would not let another opportunity go by.

The heckling began as soon as they saw our approach.

‘Hey, it’s the auld guy. Give us a wee shot, eh.’

Without waiting for more, I said,

‘You had better know that I’m a veteran a….’

My sentence went unfinished as one yob jumped in front of me. Grabbing hold of both arms of the wheelchair, he sneered directly into my face, his breath reeking of cheap wine and cigarettes.

‘I don’t care if you’re a veteran of the Gulf War or a veteran surgeon……You’re in a pram now. Some set of wheels. Is this your tank?’ Stupidly cackling at his own remark.

He could not have been more than fourteen or fifteen years old and I knew that to lay a hand on him would involve my daughter and myself in trouble. Street-wise life knew their rights. Responsibilities were never mentioned. The plastered leg beneath my blanket would have made an ideal weapon but, again, caution prevailed. I abstained from any rash action.

My daughter’s voice held fear in its simple statement, but only I would recognise that.

‘Excuse us,’ she said. ‘You’re in our way and that policeman coming along the street has his eye on you.’

The youth turned and, fortunately, a blue-uniformed figure was indeed making his way towards us.

One of the three said, ‘It’s the polis. Move!’

As one, they scurried off. The leader’s parting shot was a glob of spit which landed right in front of my chair.

The officer approached us and asked, with genuine concern, if the youths had troubled us.

‘Youths!’ I said. ‘Little swine, more like. I’ll fix them soon enough.’

‘Now, Sir,’ said the young policeman, ‘I couldn’t possibly condone your taking matters into your own hands. If, however, you would like to make a formal complaint about their behaviour to you, I could certainly assist in some way. Our hands are so often tied in these matters.’

I spoke briefly with the officer and reassured him that I did not intend the young ones actual bodily harm. Reminding us to take care, he gave me or my wheelchair a sympathetic glance and patrolled on, bending his head to radio some message or other in.

Anne pushed me slowly home, worrying all the while about the state of today’s youth: what could be the root causes; what could be done to change the course of the frightening decline.

I wondered too. I wondered about my own determination to protect my children from danger and evil and foulness. I wondered about the parents who did not know what their offspring were doing and showed little care to find out. I wondered about how safe any person was, in a world where even someone in a wheelchair was fair game. I thanked God for many aspects of my life on that slow journey home. I especially thanked him for my broken leg and the insight it had given me. And how I thanked Him for the news the doctor had given me earlier that week. Soon the plaster would be off.

I would give those young ones a chance. A few months to see if life and the opportunities it presents had had any impact on them. A few months to regain my strength.

When I explained the situation to the doctor at my check up, he very kindly agreed to lend me the wheelchair for the day. Anne was less than happy to be an accomplice to what she feared would end in harm but I reassured her.

We took the same route as before and, sure enough, they were there. At the corner of the street they stood, just past the public park that almost everyone was afraid to venture into at night. The three of them were there. I had my eye on one. Break the leader, I said to myself. Go for the leader.

I told my daughter to slow down a little and, long before we reached them, Loudmouth started.

‘Hey, boys. It’s the auld man, the vet. Come on we’ll see if he’ll give us a wee shot today. There’s no polis about.’ A quick check around confirmed his statement.

Nothing had changed, obviously.

Anne coughed nervously, knowing that this time matters would be different. I heard her mumble a prayer. She need not have worried. I meant no harm. Just a little lesson in humility.

Now they were in front of us, blocking our path, ready to begin again.

I forestalled them.

‘You boys owe my daughter and myself an apology.’

Loud laughing prevented me from saying anything further.

‘An apology, is it?’ the leader said. ‘Get that, boys. The auld guy wants us to say sorry to him and his bitch. Fat chance.’

Again, there was loud laughing as one looked to the other and back to me for my reaction.

I could feel my ire rise at the crude way he spoke of my daughter. I breathed deeply and exercised the discipline that would win the day.

I pulled my blanket up, enough to reveal my footwear.

It had the desired effect.

‘Ho, Tam, check the trainers.’

Tam, the leader, looked longingly at my footwear.

‘Now, wait a minute, Granda, I could do with a pair of those. What size are you?’

At this question and without another word I pulled the blanket aside and stood up.

‘I’ll give you a five second start. Go!’ I shouted.

Confusion lasted long enough for them to take in the rest of my attire. Then they ran.

They headed down the street and straight for the park.  This was their haunt. They knew it well. But I did too. I chased. At first, they pulled away from me – youth and speed – a natural combination.

I followed. I felt bionic. Into the park, between the trees, over flowerbeds, onto forbidden grass, into the centre of a small copse of trees. Yes, they were young. Yes, they were fast. At first. But I had stamina and years of running behind me; road races, track events, cross country, marathons. I had these. Grey hair mattered not. In and out and through the trees, I kept my eyes on one. Catch the leader, I told myself. Tam ran but began to wane. I ran and caught.

His frightened eyes took in my gleaming ones. Full knowledge dawned as he read the inscription on my running vest. ‘Veteran Athletics’.

‘Move,’ I said. ‘My daughter’s waiting. There’s no excuse for pig-ignorance. Make the apology a good one.’

He did.

And from some vantage point, his peers witnessed it. Tam had fallen. When I am old, as well as grey, I know I will especially savour and remember the feel of my hand on the scruff of his neck as I ran him back to the point of conflict: he, puffing and panting for breath, trying to keep up, while I kept time for him, with ‘hup, two, three, fours’.

Even now I like to think that I did for him and his cronies what someone once did for me. Set me on the right track.

‘Ugly’ People

‘Ugly’ people can definitely grow on you. I know this for a fact. Conversely, I have known some really good-looking people whose entire appearance and appeal faded on better acquaintance.

Take Peter. He was not what anyone would call handsome or even particularly attractive. His hair was wiry and stuck out at odd angles. It looked as if it had not seen a brush or a comb for weeks on end.

He was also at that teenage stage where most days brought an avalanche of excess sebum to the hair follicles as well as to the skin. So he had this lank, wiry hair that was unkempt and mostly unclean and definitely not styled. His face at the point I knew him was not suffering too much from the oil that attacked his hair, so generally he wasn’t too spotty.

What was most prominent about him at first were his teeth. They were not buck exactly but they were there when he smiled and talked and laughed. You couldn’t not notice them. They weren’t very white either – more a kind of off-white, but not dirty.

He was a bit odd-looking would be about the kindest way of describing him. But because I didn’t find him attractive I could completely relax with him and that was where his appearance began to change. Peter was what people would call a character. His behaviour was off the wall and he expressed his feelings and emotions freely in whatever way came to mind. I never knew him to do anything wicked or mean, just eccentric. He was what you might call a free spirit and it showed in his dealings with everyone from fellow students to teachers. Everybody recognised Peter for what he was and he was liked for it. I think everyone envied his self-expression. Teachers smiled at his antics and students wanted to be able to adopt his carefree pose to their work and relationships. So, yes, this odd-looking boy of seventeen became for me a really attractive person.

I didn’t know how not to take things seriously and found it difficult to relax in the way he did with everyone. He seemed to be so comfortable with himself and with others while other teenagers, including myself, were angst-ridden about their image and relationships and the world and the bomb. A lot of us took ourselves seriously in that obnoxious way that only teenagers can – where they feel that adults really do not have a clue and do not care about the really important things. Adults become so caught up in a world that revolves around trivia like paying bills and feeding families and arranging holidays and planning for a new car and stuff that did not look at the GLOBAL issues.

Superior teenagers have got to be some of the most insufferable people on the planet. Peter wasn’t like that. Maybe that’s why the adults liked him as much as his peers. He could have a truly sensible conversation about all sorts of issues and speak from the heart with the ease of one not embarrassed to have real feelings and emotions. It may have been his family background that contributed to so much of who he was or it may have been just who he was born to be but I’m glad I knew him.

I’m older now and I find myself remembering him fondly for the kind of person he was and wondering how he had grown at such a young age into someone so unique and likeable when all around him were the usual teenagers that he really ought to have been trying to emulate because that’s what teenagers do. They follow a code – unwritten but perceived and forceful – that few dare break away from.

With teenagers of my own now I want to understand what made Peter the way he was because I would like it if my own offspring could be half the confident person he was at that tender age.

Sunday Up The Braes

Sunday comes.

We fetch our summer buckets; gaily coloured, red, blue, yellow and green. In a while, the plastic pails will hold Autumn’s fruits. Dad holds hands with one or other of us, alternating as each child takes a turn to race ahead. We skip along, stopping to check the hedgerows, trying to spot the nests that are hidden there. And, when we do, a proud cry goes up.

‘I’ve found one!’

We count the eggs but do not touch. We have been warned. None of us wants to be responsible for the mother bird’s non-return. Dad’s previous instructions are always bidden; his wisdom heeded, if not always completely understood.

We examine the markings on the eggs and note their colour. Dad identifies them. Sometimes we are proud to remember their names from earlier lessons. We scan the skies for the parents and wait quietly some way off to see if any bird spotted will return to the nest while we watch.

‘They never go too far away,’ says Dad. ‘They protect their young.’

The air is fresh and there is a crispness that makes it pleasant to take deep breaths.

‘Breathe deeply,’ says Dad, ‘in through your nose and out through your mouth. It’s good for you.’

We all inhale deeply and the smell of manure sails down tubes to eager lungs. Two or three deep breaths render us dizzy. One of us starts to turn in circles, arms outstretched, going madly round; adding in a fun way to the light-headedness of the moment.

In a twirl of excitement, we reach the woods and our first activity is to retrieve our home-made swing; hidden in the undergrowth on a previous week. We always expect someone else to have found it. We are always pleased to discover that they have not.

Dad ties the long rope to one of our favourite trees. Legs astride the swing’s strong branch, we take turns. We throw our heads back laughing, shouting for a turn, laughing in turn. We swing back and forth and round and round; sometimes pushing, sometimes being pushed. We swing until the fun in doing so is exhausted. The moment of completeness coincides with Dad calling on us. It is time to light the fire.

Collecting twigs is a competition. Are they dry? Will they burn? I’ve brought most. Look at me. I’ve done well. Dad’s praises are limited, directed and precise.

He smokes his pipe and leans against a suitable-sized rock; his legs outstretched to the fire we are preparing. We place the kindling in the middle of the stones already selected and positioned in a neat circle. Dad has previously shown us how to light a fire. Little bits of dried grass catch the flame, while gentle blowing helps it along. Soon the twigs burn and the smell …….I remember it still.

 

Every time I smell wood burn, I think of Dad and those days up the braes. Childish feet walking to a known destination where freedom, fun and adventure unfolded under Dad’s sparse but timely advices.

How I wanted one of the penknives my brothers used, to whittle little twigs to pointed ends that then pierced the potatoes Dad always magicked from hidden pockets.

We roasted those potatoes on our little fire. The boys, who were older, were permitted to turn them with their pointed sticks while my sister and I enviously watched this grown-up activity and wondered when our moment would come.

The potatoes burned nicely on the outside while eventually softened enough inside to eat with tentative fingers. We slugged milk, bought for pennies from the nearby farm. Creamy milk and hot potatoes hit stomachs only aware of hunger pangs when the activity stopped. No thought was given to whether the milk had been pasteurised or not or whose germs we shared in the communal drinking.

Sometimes Dad brought his billy-can and we shared sips of his tea, made from boiling water pilfered from a cattle trough. I was afraid of the cows, sure that they resented my unsuccessful forays at their watering hole. On more than one occasion I had to be rescued by one brother or other. While I stood transfixed by a mucous-laden cow, one of them would fetch the water, patronisingly reassuring me that the cow would not hurt me.

Even after eating, the day was still not over. My brothers carved their names in a broken-down tree, alongside an earlier week’s initials. The tree was our friend and plaything. Lying on its side, from whatever disaster had befallen it; its roots were exposed in a spreading mass. Sufficient exertion on our parts raised its purpose to a magnificent see-saw. Living trees were forbidden us. Nothing else was. There was only one rule. Do not hurt anything. That one rule enfolded us and all of nature in a protective embrace. And so we played freely.

We jumped burns, found special stones and leaves and spread all our treasures out for Dad’s perusal and identification. We only partly took in his words; understanding to follow at another time.

We scattered soil onto the dwindled fire to completely extinguish its living flame. We hid the swing again. Penknives were already closed and we trod the homeward journey.

Now birds were warming eggs in nests already spotted and not. Our bramble buckets were half-empty, the contents already mostly consumed earlier in the day. Dessert before dinner. Etiquette unbound. No silly rules to be observed. Just one rule; respecting the natural order of life. And that one was strict.

Dad’s walks up the braes were an adventure, giving Mum a break with younger siblings only to be attended to. The dinner she had prepared was always eaten with less relish than her efforts deserved. Stomachs full of brambles, potatoes and milk could not enthuse. Eventually Mum learned to abandon the Sunday dinner rule on such days. A plate of home-made soup was more than sufficient.

Faces rosy. Hands dirty. Smiles wide. Sunday bath-time followed.