Now, Noah built an ark of wood,
Upon its deck he humbly stood.
‘I’ve measured, sawed and hammered too,
Fulfilled instructions, through and through.’
He called all creatures to his care.
They jumped and hopped and slithered there.
‘We’ve got the lot, now let’s set sail.
The waters will see to the fish and the whale.’
Forty days it rained and poured,
In Scotland, that’s called summer.
The sun shone not, the clouds they formed.
Really, what a bummer!
The smells began to take their toll
Effluence from many an ass.
Noah had forgotten to create a hole
To drain the thick morass.
He sent a dove in desperation.
‘Please let this be over.
I’m ready for some firm, dry land;
I’ll feel like I’m in clover.’
The dove returned from mercy flight
Leaf grasped within its beak.
Noah felt such great relief
That he could hardly speak.
A little while and then he said,
‘Right, off and find a home some place.
Spread it wide and stay from me;
I’m sick of every face.’
‘Forty days cramped with you crowd.
I’d say I’ve done my bit.
And, by the way, kids, there’ll be no dog;
Can’t deal with one more shit.’
The sun then shone, the clouds did part.
A sight to gladden any heart.
Noah felt a swelling in his chest
But also in his belly.
Trembling shook his very soul
And turned his knees to jelly.
‘No, no, no, say it’s not so!’
He spoke right from the heart.
‘I’m worried, if I let this one go,
It might not be a fart.’
‘One more crap I cannot take
One more disgusting smell.
I’m going to build a toilet next;
A deep, unending well.’
‘I’ll measure it and make a door,
I’ll saw with all my might.
No-one ever should suffer again
From unremitting piles of shite.’
Noah’s wife was not amused.
He did not fit a seat.
So every time she went to clean,
She had to mind her feet.
‘Noah, dear, you’ve dealt with shit.
Now, could you deal with this?
Build a little lid for me
And when you pee try not to miss.’
‘You answered God
Look what you got
Now listen to your wife.
Put the seat down when you’re done
If you want a quiet life.’
The lesson from this little lot
Is really quite a loop.
Always take some bags with you
For picking up pets’ poop.
Cleanliness is next to God
And diarrhoea, though funny,
Can be avoided if you wash –
Avoid that dicky tummy.
Remember, too, to hearken well
And listen to God’s missives.
And when you’ve done what He has asked,
Listen to your missus.