The title of this piece reflects the fact that I hate the actual word, bitch. It is banned from use in my house. To circumvent this ban, my eldest daughter took to using the titled form when wishing to express her annoyance at a particular person or an occasion of bitchiness. Despite my profligate use of the word below, I still hate it and the ban will not be lifted any time soon, if ever.

Bitches are often cunningly disguised. Their ability to mutate to surroundings and friendship groupings may even leave you perplexed as to whether you’re dealing with a genuine bitch or one whom you have misjudged.

Time usually reveals a bitch’s true colours and once they are revealed in their shades of puce, their vile nature may be observed.

An inability to be loyal to anyone, male or female, is a major characteristic of a bitch.

If you have had the unfortunate experience of confiding in a bitch, you can expect repercussions. While smiling sweetly at you, as you disclose personal matters, she will turn her second face towards others of her ilk and relate all that has been said, with malicious humour. Not forgetting, of course, to embellish it all with cruelty.

Should this happen once – that’s it. No second chances. She’s a bitch. Drop her like the proverbial hot potato.

This is a fortunate occurrence, strangely enough. It prevents you from delving into a deeper relationship, thereby negating the wasting of valuable time and energy on someone whose main purpose in life is to swim in muck and throw it.

A lucky escape then.

Some other bitches are a little harder to detect. Their chameleon-like qualities are unrivalled in the animal kingdom – outwith the chameleon and other self-camouflaging creatures, of course.

But, I digress.

These bitches ingratiate themselves into relationships with flattery and false smiles. They lovingly stroke the ego of men while screwing them every which way from here to Sunday.  When the harpy within is revealed this is an awesome and frightening sight to behold.

Vitriole may spew forth from the orifice in her distorted face, known by others as a mouth, but observed on her, as a sewage pipe of magnificent proportions. No one is exempt from the deluge of filth as the dam bursts when this bitch is in full-flow.

Every hate-filled experience in her life will be manifest in the way she pours scorn on those who once loved her before her character exploded from her chest in an alienesque manner.

Cessation of all communication is not only desirable but absolutely necessary to regain dignity and harmony in life.

Should you work with someone like this – change jobs. Really. They will not change and your life could be a complete misery.

It is important to note that all females and some men, are capable of bitchiness and there are times when it is almost irresistible to indulge. The surge of effluence does, however, create and leave a foul taste in one’s mouth and therefore is to be avoided, if at all possible.

The essential difference between an occasion of bitchiness and a true bitch is that she rather likes the flavour and cultivates it at every opportunity.

A shit detector or bitch detector is not currently available to purchase anywhere in the known world, at this time. However, experience and observations should go some way to avoiding them like the plague.

There may be bitches out there who will bitch about the fact that I have omitted their own personal brand of bitchiness.

Tough! Suck on it, bitch!

18 thoughts on “Biatches!”

  1. I own the I-Spy Book of Bitches. It comes in useful during parties, long car journeys and council meetings. The Observers Book of Bastards is also a good read, but a bit heavy on the politics.


  2. I’ve come to the conclusion that quality people/women are rare, almost extinct.
    Taking in consideration my recent experiences with some ‘biatches’ that I used to call ‘friends’ I’ve come to appreciate more the rare,almost extinct, quality people that I still have around.
    Ergo my last post,lol. x


  3. It also stands for: Babe In Total Control of Herself. Unless she is married and then its: Babe In Total Control of Him. Just a little levity.


  4. I don’t generally rhyme with such words, but if I did, it would be rather convenient to have something that rhymes with choice words like itch, ditch, and hitch.


  5. Two comments: Where was this when I was in high school, and I guess from the definitions above, every body was wrong when they called me a ‘bitch’. So there! Although I really could have used this little bit of instructions in high school and in some of my retail jobs.


    1. A very misused term, I agree. There are most definitely some who fit the category and an awful lot of people who are called by the name although the ones doing the calling are often the guilty. High School is notorious for that. It’s like a testing ground for venom, at times.
      And, I also wish I’d known a wee bit more about them before I encountered them. Nasty experiences.x


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