Well, I’ll Be Buggered

Ok, not funny. Not funny at all.

Well, some people might think it’s funny. And I did laugh with my sister about it……..eventually.

But really not funny.

I was doing a post the other day about internet privacy and security and such. Maybe you read it. Maybe you didn’t. If not, why not? Only kiddin’.

This is kinda related, I suppose, in a weird and wonderfully humiliating way.

I was feeling a bit chilled. You know the weather’s changing and my old bones must have been feeling it. Thought to myself, I know, I’ll have a bath. A nice big, deep, bubbly bath. Hot. Really hot and I’ll relax. Thing is, I hate baths. They’re boring. You can’t do anything. I’ve dropped books in the bath before so I don’t do that any more. Lie back and think? Well, I can do that anywhere and in better comfort. Nah, baths are just boring. Prefer showers, myself. Or not by myself. Whole other story.

Anyway, I ran my bath, got some bits and pieces together. You know, a wee glass of red wine and my cigs. Then I had a great idea. I’ll take my phone. I’ll answer any comments on it from blogland. That’s a good idea, I thought to myself. Huggh! Not.

Well, my phone is a piece of shit Blackberry that does what it likes and changes words for me when I want to say something else. So for some reason best known to itself when I type *you’re* it decides *you’reyou’re*. I don’t know why. I know it’s predictive and I can probably change the settings but sometimes it suits me to have it on.

Anyway, it’s a piece of shit.

I hate it.

Now I hate it even more.

I have removed the battery and the sim card because my phone has been taken over by some evil phone thing that is unknown to me and I can’t live with that.

Back to the point.

Yeah, so immersed in a deep, hot bubble bath, I’m thinking this might be ok. Relax back, sip some wine, smoke one. I know. I’ve tried. Leave it.

So, I heard a little ping on my phone which had been conveniently placed on a little table next to the bath. Oh, you’ve got mail, I thought. And lifted it. With soaking wet hands.

Now I don’t know if that is when all the trouble started but it became quite unresponsive. I was pressing one button to see mail. And it was like, ‘no use me, compose a text’. ‘But I don’t want to text. I want to email.’ ‘Well how about camera then? Choose me.’ ‘No thanks. I want to email.’ Pressing buttons furiously on this piece of junk.

Anyway, it did what it wanted to do and I gave up. Put it back down. Finished my ablutions and that was that. I thought.

It started playing up and not doing as it was told. I was getting really pissed with it by this time. Told it that it was being replaced and that no one else would want it. I know. A bit heartless but it was how I was feeling. So frustrating. I must have had the back cover off it half a dozen times to restart it ‘cos I couldn’t get it to do anything. Then it happened.

I was still fuming about the crappy phone but gave up trying to fix it. Blogland would help calm my frustrations. I went to my homepage. And there, on my Twitter feed, was a picture of my leg in the bath! No f****** kiddin’. My leg. Surrounded with bubbles. I went all shades of pink and purple and started stammering aloud to myself, WTF, WTF, WTF. Get the picture?

I deleted it. Then I had a horrible thought. What if…no, God, please, no….I raced over to my Twitter account. And, God almighty, I nearly passed out. There was my leg. I had twooted my own leg to Twitter. Well, not me, that bastard phone of mine. So, I deleted it. Done. I thought.

Tried to make a phone call and answer a few texts. Nope, nothing doing. Ping, beep. And I could do nothing with it. Back off again. Removed the battery. Back on. It made all sorts of promises to me. And, like the naïve fool that I am, I believed it. It’s a liar though. I know that now. The back light went off again and I pressed more buttons furiously. Nothing was happening. Not that I could see. ‘Cos the backlight wouldn’t come on.

It wasn’t until my sister pinged me on Facebook to ask was everything ok, that I knew it wasn’t. Apparently, she had received a picture of my leg six times. Six times. She was obviously worried about my mental health by this time. Or, as she put it, ‘I thought maybe you’d got your toe stuck in the tap and needed the fire brigade. I was going to come round for a laugh. And to check out the fire fighters.’ Divorcee. You know.

So we had a bit of a laugh about it on private chat on Facebook. ‘Cos, of course, I couldn’t text her. Because, even as I write this, my phone is sitting beside me in several pieces. Its lifeline has been cut off. Battery out and staying out.

So we giggled and snorted some and she made all kinds of crass remarks about stuff I’m not repeating here. But it was funny. She made a few comments about how much worse it could have been. I was in the bath, after all. Good Lord, it doesn’t bear thinking about.

Then, after I had finished chatting to her and wiped the tears of laughter from my eyes, a horrible thought occurred.

My sis is always going to be there for me and question anything and everything. But….

What if, in pressing buttons on a screen I couldn’t see, this image has been sent to everybody in my phone book! My school work mates, my head teacher, my doctor, my ……it just goes on!

What if, it wasn’t just that picture that went? What if some of my other stuff went? Secret stuff, like…Well, I’m not telling you.

But, if you see a post entitled, ‘Coming Out Of The Closet Mark IV’, you’ll know I’ve been outed! I may become a full-time blogger with no job prospects because I send random drivel and possibly a few erotic poems and story ideas to all and sundry….six times.

So, I’m in the market for a new phone. I am never in my life taking any phone into a bath with me again. I tell my own kids this all the time. Do they listen? Yes, as it happens. Do I? Well, what do you think?

My laptop’s not been feeling too well either. Not going there. Not going there at all, at all.

57 thoughts on “Well, I’ll Be Buggered”

  1. Fucking brilliant post….pmsl…literally…fresh knickers required.  You are amazing…so bloody talented.   Love you to infinity and beyond. Now get tae yer feckin bed!!!! xxxx

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  2. Oh, my. I’m sorry, but that’s hilarious!! I can just see someone you barely know receiving a copy of your leg with artful bubbles, and wondering if you are sending a message… LOL Better stay sober at your next party, or who knows what might happen. Especially when Hugh Jackman shows up.

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    1. I’m telling you, Brenda, I nearly shit a brick as we say over here. Stupid phone’s been playing up for a while. But this. This. It dies now. I don’t even have Hugh Jackman’s number or he could have had a flash too. I’m laughing now but my God, I was purple with embarrassment. I mean Gawd sake. I hope to God my HT has a sense of humour. No, I’m not even going to think about that. I will never press randomly again. I’m going to write that out 100 times as a punishment for being an idiot. Glad you enjoyed it. I think. ;)x

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      1. I feel for you, but I can’t help laughing, too. I have an iphone, and so far it has not embarrassed me, but I confess to being a bit intimidated by Siri. I just pretend she’s not there. If your HT doesn’t have a sense of humor, you’ll just have to pity him and his whole family. That’s a much worse problem than pressing a few buttons randomly while bathing. LOL

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  3. OMGoodness! I seriously almost pissed myself reading this. Ha-Ha, still dying here. This is so funny. Okay, I know it’s not for you, but thank you for amusing me. BTW, I don’t know if you have ever seen this, but since you are in the market for a new phone and you are Scottish. Consider that Apple is having a wee bit of trouble with Siri. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGxKhUuZ0Rc

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    1. I’m gonna buy a brick with no camera on it. Seriously. Or a homing pigeon. Or one of Harry Potter’s owls. What do I need a phone for. Pieces of shit, garbage, good for nothing, useless…Get my drift. I will check it out though. Glad you enjoyed it. I am finding it funny now. I’ll just have to wait and see if there’s any fallout! What is it they say about writing? Experiences are not to be lost. Could have lived without this one. But…..Shit happens, as they say. ;)x

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  4. oh how I wish i was on your facebook LOls..
    I had to wipe tears before i could see to write…
    what you did is my fear..I noticed a couple weeks ago I have a built in camera on my laptop…
    you would think I would have been told when I bought it !
    I proof read so many times to make sure all those in between thoughts don’t get sent…
    the one today is an example..I just happened to scroll down and saw the conversation with my friend that brought this near crisis on..names, times, dates…needless to say it would have been awkward but he would have been in a bit of trouble on the homefront…with what all he said to me since his partner forbids him to speak with me ( I am not of “quality” in her mind here in America, it would be equal to “trailer trash” LOLs which I am used too…though maybe it would be funny if I put hers up since she neglects to tell him she communicates with me LOLs just kidding she half way dared me too I think to create an argument between them, usually I would but…oh to much rambling on sorry!)

    anyways…I hope you got everything off…. and I didn’t receive any erotic poems…I would have commented !

    Thank you….you have just made my night…( and of course laughing will come back to bite me on the arse LOls)
    Take care!
    maryrose

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    1. Well, I’m nearly glad it happened now. Now that I can think straight again. I was…..going bananas for want of anything better to say. But, hopefully, all’s well.
      As you say, it can so easily happen. I nearly shut down my Twitter account and I’ve only had it going for about a week. Still thinking about it actually. I would curl up if I sent anything else like that.
      Anyway, its a bygone.
      Glad it gave you a laugh. I figured that if I could finally laugh at it then it might amuse some others. And laughing’s good for you so… I’m glad. Almost. Not quite there yet. But it’s coming. :)x

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  5. Damn! I need to really get on the Tweet thing. It has been so overrated here, and so many trolls and web stalkers, that I shy away from it. Also, I haven’t had a phone yet which gets and sends text, and Twitter has been around at the same time. I have never been one to have to know what people are eating, where they are right now (unless they are late!), or all of the other issues. I get why parents have them, but hence, my fuzzy children do not have phones (Thank God in Heaven!). I bet it was too funny, sounds great. Show you for picking a bath, even when you went through all that drivel about not liking them.
    As for France, I am thinking mid-France, but not too close to the coasts. Too many tourists, and if there is anything a ‘Vegas person doesn’t want is more tourists. I want to be around country, villages, just nice everyday folk. Not starving artists, starving models, or fat tourists in Paris or the like. I heard Angelia Jolie and Brad Pitt have a nice place around where I want to be. Maybe I will drop them a line and see if they can find me a place a bit smaller than theirs (1,000 acres=/-).
    Watched the first part of Masterpiece Theatre’s Elizabeth. Interesting.
    Hitting the hay now. Keep the pics rolling. Who knows, you may be discovered. LOL
    Peace

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    1. I’m hoping I’ve been deleted.;)
      That sounds great. France is lovely. Don’t know it well but from what I do know of it and have read and seen. And you seem quite sure of the type of location you want. A country town or village would be great. Start planning. :)x

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      1. The only things I worry about are witch burnings and werewolves. You see Zombies don’t seem do be catching on in France, so I am cool there. But werewolves have always been a problem in France, so much so, the Catholic Church made a decree to have people kill them. Witch burnings, well because they always show the small villages going nuts on someone and accusing them of witchcraft if they don’t attend church, or hang with them, and that would surely be me. Plus I have a black cat, so there ya’ go. I think I will just have a really good security system which can detect werewolves and villagers sneaking around. Silver bullets and always carry a small knife to cut the ropes once they strap me to the pyre. See, I am thinking ahead. LOL

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      2. Good grief. You have got it all sorted out. I just thought you were going to relax. You’ve got a battle on your hands. If I’m going to meet you for that natter I’ll bring some supplies too. Many hands and all that. ;)x

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      3. Too funny. I have been studying, not realistic, at least far as we know. I am going to do a blog about a series of books I have been reading. Good for the soul.

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      4. A bit of light reading obviously! Vampires, werewolves, zombies, ritualistic burning. Yeah. Right up my alley too. Scare the bejaysus from yourself then hide behind a cushion. Deliciously terrifying. In a kind of masochistic manner. I’ll look out for that post. Cushion at the ready. :)x

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  6. nope – didn’t see your leg or anything else for the matter 🙂 Phones – technology I called my IPhone a ‘piece of shyte’ for several months and when it gets the same greeting when it makes me angry now. This was hilarious (though felt your pain) – and please back away from your lap-top 😉 x

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    1. It’s my kindle I’m on just now. And it also shows some weird behaviour at times. Maybe it’s that time arriving……You know……when machines and computers take over the world……Or not. Just a thought. When gadgets work They’reThey’re brilliant. But when they don’t ….beware. :)x

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      1. See what I mean! * They’re * not * They’reThey’re* This is ridiculous! Anyone know a good exorcist? Anyone got a hammer even? How do I turn off predictive texting? will do. For dummies. If you’ve got that version..;)x

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      2. Terminator!!! You can keep big Barbie. Deck sake, Arnie! Feck. Hope Hugh Jackman plays the new lead in the live version. There has to be a way to turn off predictive messaging. I give in. I’m gonna have a look and see. ;)x

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  7. Now that I’ve picked myself up off the floor, and changed MY pants, where is my flash of leg from the bubbly bath? Great, share that shot with the world and I get nuthin’. Total rejection. 9 billion people get one….but not me. Oh, and the other lady was right….can you move back and to the right a bit, this shot of your face is a bit blurry! 🙂

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    1. You better be jokin’. I’m still in my bed. Coffee and blog time. Up to thon time with all that nonsense last night/this morning.
      Really, Mark, I nearly had a seizure!
      My sister has reassured me that no one’s probably seen it. It’s not like I’ve got a gazillion followers. If, as she says, I am suddenly inundated with them, I’ll know it’s been viewed. Mortified! Job’s comforter, she is, sometimes!. But we had a laugh about it. What else you gonna do, eh?
      Dead phone – no RIP – bastard that it is. Remains in many pieces. Now incommunicado with mates until I get a new one. ;(x

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  8. Yes it would rock your socks off a little bit. Ok, maybe a big bit. Your 5 min of fame….for all the world to see 🙂 And probably had that terrible toe nail colour on to boot 🙂 (but nothing else 🙂 ) I’m sorry, yes the world can laugh at you, but if it was them, all would be different. You have my untold feelings of mortification for you, and a sledgehammer for the Blackberry. May it’s electrical bits be shorted forever. Now I have this lovely digital camera you can have, but it won’t do twitter or blogging….sorry. But the pic’s will be better 🙂 Just kidding! 🙂 Hugs for your poor heart and the terror of social media gone unmercifully wrong. There really is no comeback with this stuff, is there?

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    1. Silver polish, btw. rather fetching. 😉 Blackberry, smackberry, it’s dead. F.o.r.e.v.e.r. It did me wrong and I won’t forgive it. I started thinking my phone had been interfered with! Paranoia! I don’t even do pics. I’m shit at taking them. My poor kids have very few photo memories to look back on ‘cos I never think about taking photos and don’t like having them taken. So that makes it more particularly vexing. I mean if I was gonna post flesh to twitter I’d be more selective and make sure I was happy with it! Digital camera you say? Lol. Does it come with a flash too? lmao now but not then. No, no, no. Thanks for the hugs. I needed them. :)x

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      1. Always there for friends scottishmomus! THAT is what blogs are all about….family. We are so much closer and caring even though most people are half way around the world 🙂

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    1. Well, there might be some of my kids and birthday parties flying about out there now for all I know. Oh, and that one when…;)
      Such a plonker. Well, my phone is. So am I, I suppose.
      The message here is never take one to a bath with you. 😦
      God, I’ve just remembered, my son’s big toe might be out there too! My kids, shouldn’t but they do. sometimes play with my phone. Nice wee surprises for me, you know. One such one was a close-up of a big toe. Saved by him as my wallpaper. I had to get my 12 year old to change the settings. 😉
      Not worth the trouble are they? :)x

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  9. Your Twitter followers probably thought you had posted your bubble bath photo on there instead of Instagram! 😀 Technology can be the worst sometimes!! Lol.

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    1. And what a pair! My gawd , I can’t even think of it for cringing.

      But, here’s an update.
      I’ve just been posting a comment on another bloggers site. And I’m off out. So copy and paste.

      http://kerryswindingroad.com/2013/10/14/a-day-in-the-life/#comment-844

      I did not, Brenda! My bloody phone has a life of its own!
      I’ll start you off right now, Kerry.Just back in from grocery shopping and thought I would dare put the battery back in my phone and try again. Yeah, I know. Eternal optimist. Big piles of shit mean a pony.
      It came on and started downloading emails and texts fast and furiously. I couldn’t open either of the apps. Then finally, the text app opened and all I saw was the start of one from my sister saying, ‘Are you ok, sis, you’ve just sent me the same….’ I didn’t read any further. Pulled the bloody battery out.
      Fortunately, I had been smart enough today to disconnect my phone from uploading to Twitter.
      Well, you never know what I might fancy taking a photo of next!
      I am in disgust with technology. ‘cept for my laptop ‘cos she’s my baby.
      I’m going round to my sister’s right now (7 doors away) with a bottle of red wine. And I hope she’s got some in ‘cos I’m gonna drink all of mine.
      And that’s how my day is going. I won’t tell you the rest ‘cos there’ll probably be a fair bit of cursing of technology.
      I’ve found my ‘old’ smartphone and I’m charging it up. But I’m scared to put the sim card in. Fear of phones. I bet there’s a term for that. Hold on. I’m gonna look it up. Then I’m going out to get merry.
      Here you go….Telephone phobia (telephonophobia, telephobia) Not exactly original is it?
      Anyway. ten minutes and I’m outta here.
      Blog free zone tonight.
      But, I’ll be onto the other next week, I think. I’m on holiday this week so it doesn’t count as normal. As you may have guessed. 😉 x

      So, anyway, how’s your day been? ;)x

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  10. Oh mercy, that was funny! It’s also one of my biggest worries! More so that I’ll post a stupid picture on FB on accident. That would be horrid! Thanks for the laugh, and thank God it was just your leg and not your you-knows! Ha!

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    1. I’m trying to put that thought from my mind. Never again is all I can say. No wonder they tell you to keep electricity and gadgets out of the bathroom. Shocked takes on a whole other meaning. ;)x

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  11. Oh dear that is totally freaky!! Not bringing my phone in the bathroom again whilst I bathe…nah, no way…as for your BB, I got rid of mine after so many years of fidelity…but I still do miss the typing keys…but that story of the pic, frigging scary.

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    1. I have found my ‘old’ smart phone and it is now in use. But I’ve lost all my numbers to the BB. They must be saved to phone instead of sim. And I am not turning it on again. So I will have to start from scratch. Good way to tidy up your phone book right enough. ;)x
      And no, DO NOT TAKE IT INTO BATH with you. Ever. I’m going to put a sign up on all wet places with that message. My daughter has reminded me that one of her last phones became totally unresponsive after she took it into the bathroom while showering. I don’t know how I’d forgotten that. It was me who had to get her a new phone. Hence the ‘no phones’ while bathing rule. Wish I’d remembered it myself. Ah well, I’m over it. Live and learn. Live and learn. *sigh*x

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      1. My smart phone is a samsung. Only thing is I can’t remember how to use all the bits. It took me ages to get used to touchscreen when I first got it. Then when I changed over to BB I kept trying to use the screen on that and it’s not touch screen! Back to basics for learning here.;)x

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      2. My BB was a Torch so I had touch and BB keys…like the screen for reading though. in 2 weeks I finally decided on my tablet, Microsoft Surface 2…comes out Oct 20th so I can blog anywhere anytime I want 🙂

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  12. Howling at this one! At least it was your leg and not another, more private part! I dropped my phone in the tub once. Lesson learned. But, thankfully, no nudie shots were fired:)

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