OK, so, I’m on my third glass of red wine. And it’s a Thursday. And I’m making no apologies. When you know why, you surely would tell me to insert a couple of straws into the rest of the bottle and sink into sensory oblivion.
I have spent four hours of my life in the throes of non-rapture, non-fun, non-desire, non-fucking-anything-other-than-sadistic-pseudo-masochisitc-dubious-pleasure.
Yes. I was at a pantomime. In the company of around 500 children. Ranging in age from five to twelve. A joy. It was not!
I will never have those hours back again. But, if I did, I would have my legs waxed or deliver a baby or two. Or insert hot wires up my nose. Get my drift?
I have seen The Wizard of Fucking Oz several times in my life. At no point did it ever feature excerpts from ‘Grease’…..’we go together like shanga-a-lang-a-ding-de-ding-de-dong’ or whatever the ‘words’ are that I so cannot be arsed looking up. It never at any time had ‘Uncle Sam’ come on and give us a rousing chorus of ‘I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandee’. Nowhere that I can recollect did cowboys make an entrance and perform several ho-down, shoot-em-up numbers. I don’t even remember there being cowboys. There certainly was no one, in my foggy memory, asking ‘what did the fox say?’ Who gives a fuck what the fox said? Well, apparently five hundred children did. ‘Cos they stood and shouted/sang from the top of their lungs whatever the feck it was the fox might’ve/should’ve/could’ve said.
Add to that the multitude of opportunities provided by those kind actors to involve the children in their masterpiece and you have screams of ‘Oh, yes he did!!!!!!!!!’ or ‘Oh, no he didn’t!!!!!!’ depending, of course, on whether ‘he’ did or didn’t. Sacred heart of all that’s holy………….
What is this phenomenon that is the pantomime? Or, in common parlance, the panto?
Is there another country in the world that feels the need to subject teachers/parent helpers/parents/grandparents/whoever-has-the-misfortune to this annual audio-visual assault on the senses?
Seriously. Is there? Is this a British phenomenon? And, if it is, why is it? At this point, I should probably google the answer but, honest to god, I cannot be arsed.
My brain is only coming down from the experience. I am still mentally calculating how many times six year olds actually need to go to the toilet. I mean really need as opposed to, ‘I feel like a walk/would like to check out the toilets here’.
I also took a snack of jelly babies with me. And I feel a bit sick. What the fuck was I thinking? Jelly-fecking-babies? What possessed me? Must have had a momentary throw-back to my plooky youth and thought, ‘What the feck!’
So, yes, pantomimes.
And now I can hear my six year old in the room next door whingeing to her older 12 year old sister that, ‘it’s not fair!’ And, frankly, maybe it’s not but I don’t feel like investigating any more trivia today. Because most of the time what irks kids is trivia. Builds backbone. Thank god. That means that for most kids their lives are made up of the most trivial crap that it is possible to imagine. e.g. ‘He/she is looking at me. He/she said I was a loser. He/she said he/she wishes I went to a different school. And that I would die.’ Now, the last one I would deal with. Bit unkind that one.
But, god save us from trivia of the awful childish kind. Nope. There’s worse. There’s the god-awful trivia of the adult variety. Case in point. ‘This fucking job does my head in some days.’
Shiiiiit! Was that me? So, yeah, trivial complaints from me about a job that I love most of the time. But, fuck me, on a day like today, all I want to know is if anyone has a couple of straws? Really, ‘cos other wise, I’m taking it by the neck. Ho-Fucking-ho! And a merry panto season to you!
Sister dearest! Your fuckn language is shocking! I’m on my 3rd white…you need a holiday…soon….now!! Loved this one….lmao as I type!!! xx
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Do you realise that it is four weeks till the school holidays? That means it is five-ish weeks until Christmas. Some very kind colleague enlightened me today! All the panto season does is highlight that. As always, my arse is attempting to catch up with my elbow. So, have you got any straws? ;)x
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Pantomimes… they lose their fun after a while. 😛
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Try thirty feckin’ years of it! A while becomes a life sentence. But it will soon be over. Between Hallowe’en and pantos and school nativity plays and crap weather no wonder I love summer. Moaning a bit too much ya think? ;)x
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I feel your pain, I did the panto shift last year and nearly go chucked out for taking photographs, I did want to ask “Why didn’t you chuck me out” but I was told don’t do it again… 🙂
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We were warned before it was started not to take any pics! I wanted to record the noise levels. But I couldn’t find the app on my phone. ;)x
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So was we lol but I thought the kids needed pictures to be able to do a project 🙂
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Nice try. ;)x
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It’s not just Britain. I think Joseph’s Technicolour Coat did me in. Or was it The Snow Queen? Do you also have annual gymnastics and dancing finales/extravaganzas? I freak out at the costume requirements, never shone in that department. My kids have had to wear tea towels a lot of different ways (except where I’ve had to fork out money. Keep sipping, it will pass. 🙂
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The Christmas shows have yet to happen. I’ve sewn more tinsel onto white shirts than I care to remember for all my little angels. 😉 I don’t even usually get to see my own kids ‘perform’ as I’m at school. Though the school puts on an evening performance for the working mums and dads. Then charges us for the privilege of seeing our kids act out two minutes worth of acting. Think I’m just jaded now with the whole fiasco. ;)x
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Mmmm, do I detect a slightly burnt out momus! 500 of the little tykes! I have to admit that my patience is tested with my 2 kids…and they are in their 30’s 🙂 If I could reach across there I would give you the most de-stressing massage that I have in my kit bag. But I will send over a bit of distance healing so that you can at least sleep like a log. Mind you, mixed with the wine could be interesting 🙂
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Try frazzled around the edges. 😉 I’ll be fine tomorrow. Lots of cooling, calming thoughts right here with me. Slightly pissed as well, I have to admit. But so worth it. Dorothy, Tin Man, Lion and Scarecrow have all drifted into another world. Thank god, not mine. ;)x
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Fabulous post. I love people who tell it like it is:) LOL Sounds as if you are going to need more than one bottle.
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Less than one was plenty! Bright new morning. And it’s Friday! :)x
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Wow, what a travesty of all the cheesiest parts of American culture. It’s a conspiracy to make us all seem like crazy, random weirdos. We don’t have pantos, we have celeb wanna-bes trying to build resumes on school drama performances. And parents who think their kid is the next Natalie Portman or Justin Bieber. I myself hope that I survive my children’s youths with my sanity intact, my ears still hearing and most of my wits. i rather hope my children will choose not to be famous.
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I forgot that there were kids in this show too. Probably some local dance class or whatever. They were the Munchkins. They were actually pretty good. It’s just the whole pantomime thing I struggle with. I’m not fond of slapstick at the best of times. But pantos just don’t do it for me. I like my theatre with a lot less audience participation and fewer kids. 😉 I find myself cringing at grown-ups acting like eejits. Jeez, I better develop a different sense of humour if I’m gonna survive the rest of this season.
I don’t like the sound of school drama performances in your neck of the woods. Taking these things seriously is a bit OTT. Most of my own kids do like drama but it’s a fun sort of thing. No heavy competition. Pushy parents apart, the kids could just enjoy expressing themselves without a big hoo-hah attached. It’s kinda what kids always do from any age. My crew are forever making mad videos with one another. Role-playing. Then end themselves laughing at the playback. Maybe it’s the parents that turn them into wannabes, right enough. I do drama with kids in school and it’s just fun. No big deal.x
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One can hope… Here I am told certain parents lock down certain roles. Everything to do with influence and not largely to do with talent. I live in a very competitive place. Ack. So not me. They should just be kids and have fun. Lighten up, I say. Are you seriously telling me these were adult pantos!!! Wow. I am speechless.
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Yeah, in theatres all over the place. One end of Britain to the other. It’s a Christmas thing. Every blessed year. We had an amateur one into school a couple of weeks ago. Then the visit out to the theatre yesterday. The kids go bananas which is kinda the aim of them.
If it was Cinderella, say, Cinderella would be a female. Buttons may or may not be a girl. The Ugly Sisters are always guys dressed up. The storyline is vaguely followed with lots of ‘in’ jokes depending on who the actors are. There’s quite a lot of innuendo too. Aimed, I suppose, at the adults who are forced to accompany the kids. The object is supposed to be to entertain but it is lost on me, I’m afraid! ;)x
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Well, everybody is into different stuff. I imagine if my husband was up being goofy, maybe I would laugh. 🙂 Otherwise, hmm, I’ll stick to the Nutcracker. 🙂
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Depends on what he was dressed up as, I suppose. :)x
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Exactly. 🙂
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:)x
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Dying to know what a panto is! Whatever it is – this cracked me up. Probably because I have nearly five year olds who go to the bathroom no less than 87 times when outside the home.
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Professional or amateur actors/celebrities mock up some story line, usually a fairy tale but not always. They then mess with it till it’s barely recognisable. Bit of cross gender dressing usually too. Although not yesterday. Lots of inane jokes. A bit of singing and dancing. Lots of audience participation. Groan! And they charge gullible parents and schools for the privilege of going to see them. Always around Christmas season. Lucky you. You don’t have them. And no Hallowe’en either. Think I’ll emigrate. :)x
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Ha! We’d be happy to have you!
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*packing really quickly* :)x
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You are one strong woman to be able to handle 500 screaming kids with wine. I’d have needed something stronger, like, you know, pethidine or, opium or something.
The worst is when the noise rings inside your brain long after the program, no? And no, I am not a teacher. Just a parent, who has been subjected to 5 “annual day”s (which is an equivalent to your panto I suppose) so far.
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That was the problem I think. Total sensory overload. With any luck the kids will all have lost their voices this morning from too much audience participation! :)x
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I ‘m thinking Wine?….you don’t have anything stronger to drink?straight up…
Hope all is better by morning …
Take Care…You Matter…
)0(
maryrose
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Morning has rolled around. All is good. :)x
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that is good to know..
I am headed to bed…
maybe I can quieten the whispers enough to sleep a little ..
Have a Wonderful Friday!
Take care…You Matter…
)0(
maryrose
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Sleep well.x
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Drunk Scottish woman approach…? I dig it…
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It was medicinal! Better than paracetamol for clearing the head. And it worked. Score! Felt it somewhat this morning though. 😉 I usually try to avoid any alcohol midweek. Doesn’t always work! School’s out for me. And it’s Friday. Freedom! :)x
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You go girl
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Oh, I am! :)x
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I can’t write I am laughing too much and with how my day was yesterday – this is medicine… so thank you ho-panto-ho indeed! x
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Just as well we get a fresh start everyday, eh? All’s well here. Hope you are too. :)x
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Oh my dear one! I guess I had much more fun reading your post than you had at your pantomime 😉
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But I survived it! And that’s the end of the pantos for me for this year. Now just the Christmas concerts to contend with and I’ll be on the home straight. And there’s always wine. See, I’m looking on the bright side. Now that the feckin’ panto is by. :)x
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🙂
I tried but could not cyber-whistle. I am glad you ‘look at the bright side of life’ Cheers!
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Life of Brian. Excellent choice! :)x
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find your happy place……….hehehehehe!
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Aye, happy now it’s done. :)x
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I don’t envy you. Your vacation will be worth it!! what a potty mouth you have, Miss…hehe
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Justified, I’m rationalising. :)x
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Haha…I tell ya, tonight the little angels grew horns and are pranking the phone lines which bothers me when kids in crisis are trying to get through…but it seems to be a rite of passage for some…{sigh…groan…effing this and effing that} and I don’t even get one full week off during the Christmas holidays and I work Christmas day…poor me {licking my wounds, paws and all}
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Prank calls must be the bane of the lives of services like yours and the emergency services. Why do they do it? I can see the fun in doing it with friends but not with organisations. There was one famous one a while ago where a radio station – Australian, I think – prank called the hospital where Prince William’s wife was. Made the news and everything.
That’s a shame you don’t get more time off over the Christmas season. I suppose that must be a busy time.x
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While I’m so sorry for your awful evening, this post brought lots of happiness and laughter to me! You never know who your words will touch, right? Lol! This was great ..especially the bit about the damn fox, I despise that song!
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I’ve just discovered today that I’ve got another one to go to! Different school, different panto. Help! If the fox makes an appearance I’m out of there. Definitely won’t risk the jelly babies this time. :)x
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