Sane With A Touch Of Mad

So here was I earlier congratulating myself on having two ‘sensible’ daughters now in flats. Knowing how to take care of themselves. And budget. Grown up stuff.

The phone call I received last night just after midnight from the sexual health clinic did make me laugh. I thought it must be one of my sixteen year old daughter’s friends who’d been here last night. I must admit, in the earliest seconds of the phone call, I was going, ‘Who? What! When?’ Doubting my own sanity, you know? But I did chuckle. They said they were sorry for phoning me so late at night and would call back the next day!

Turns out several other people were laughing for different reasons.

Someone thought they had won a holiday.

One was obviously slightly concerned that Yahoo had contacted them to report suspicious activity on their account with the threat of a jail term where ‘you know what’ might happen.

Apparently, the one referring to, how shall I say this, love of animals, particularly on a Saturday night, caused some hilarity to the young man in question.

Her future mother-in-law was questioned about being an illegal immigrant with threats that if she didn’t do the conga and post it on Facebook she’d be spending some time in Barlinnie at her majesty’s pleasure.

Now I know that my daughter has a rather weird sense of humour at times but she’s 24 for crying out loud.

I blame it on the stress of being a nurse. They like to let their hair down now and again. Oh, and alcohol too, obviously. 😉

But at least she did apologise.

“ I would like to apologise to anyone who may have been affected by my antics last night. Some individuals may require a more formal apology but due to the nature of the behaviours I’m unsure who these people are.. If you feel you fall into this category please do not hesitate in contacting me directly. Thank you.

Ps dear vodka we are overrrr!”

Her equally ‘aged’ friend has just facebooked me an apology

“Eh yeh I think I did do a shift at the sexual health clinic last night, sorry!”

Young ones, eh?

It’s been ages since I’ve done that. What an old fart I now am. 😦

27 thoughts on “Sane With A Touch Of Mad”

  1. Ahahahaha, too funn!! old fart, you? no friggin way!! you will never age my dear. Love this story. The majority of counsellors I work with in Montreal have degrees or masters in sexology…haha, this is too funny.


    1. Well if my crew keep up their antics I’ll have no choice. 😉
      Sexology? Now I might have to look up EXACTLY what that entails. Imagine doing a degree in it! 🙂 x


      1. Yeah, well it is quite popular at one French university but not recognized as well as Bachelorof Social Work…I find it is the best training for couple counselling actually. But for our lines, we get lots and lots of calls about sexuality…not as embarassing asking an anonymous line especially when it entails fetishes. (that does sound like a pun…ooops)


      2. Oh my god, I’m too innocent! I won’t even tell you what my weans had to explain to me recently. I’m still blushing thinking about it.
        Think I’ll make a list of the ones I do know.Then get one of my older kids to tell me the rest. 😉 x


  2. When my wife, her sister, her sister husband and I was driving down th M1 at 2am from Scotland to Grimsby to puck up a new car for me we decided to stop at Scotch Corner fr a break and we came up with the idea of phoning my sis in laws not so bright friend and tell her that we had broken down and she (who had only been past her test a week) would need come and get us, over 200 miles.
    Now I decided to go one step further the concersation between her and I went something like this I am playing the part of of ….. Inspector Wexford from the Yorkshire Police force….

    ring ring…ring ring…ring ring…
    Sleepy vouce hello..
    Me. Hello is that Miss…….. I am inspector Wexford from Nirth Yorkshire Police. .
    Her. Yes whats wrong?
    Me. Do you know Mrs……..?
    Her. Yes she is my friend.
    Me. Well she has broken down at Scotch Corner and she has nominated you are her rescue driver.
    Her. Where is Scotch Corner is it near Glasgow?
    Me. No in North Yorkshire., I am afraid you will have to come and get her as she has no rescue service.
    Her. I am not able to drive that far, I have never driven out of my town.
    Me. I am sorry miss…….. if you dont come You will be arrested under theteaffic act section……. paragraph……points…… ( cannot remember what I said exactly but it was some crap)
    Her. Oh no what can I do I cannot drive that far and I dont want to get arrested, I will see if my mum will come with me.
    Me. You know there are 4 passengers two dogs and a caravan…..

    At that point my cohorts could no longer hold the giggles in any longer and they made me laugh and I passed the phone to my sister in law. It was really funny and 8 years down the line we still laugh about it even the friend thinks its funny.

    I do occasionally send out letter from certain companies, tv shows, sexual health clinics to wind people up.
    My friend worked in farm foods and she got £10 extra from the dole office for doing so and she hated it, her time was coming up to finish and she got a £10 gift voucher from farmfoods as a Christmas bonus.
    So I sent her a letter from Farmfoods telling her that she had done such a great job that they hve spoken to the benefit office and te have agreed to extend her time for another 6 weeks but she has to either return the £10 gift voucher or the benefit office will deduct the £10 off her benefit.
    At the bottom of this letter I made a little tear off to send back to the company and she will agree to the extension and she will return the £10. It also made the point that if she did not agree to the extension she would have the benefit stopped.
    Now by this time I would have smelt a rat, no she took the letter to the store manager who signed the tear off slip where it had to be signed by the store manager, my friend signed it…………Then sent it to Farmfoods head office, four days later they got a call from the head office asking what they hell they are playing at lol. Now my friend is telling me all this and Iam sitting going “never” and “wow really” but there is only so much pretending one can do…….she did forgive me after a week or so 🙂

    I have sent a prize letter to my sister in law telling her that she had won an all expenses paid luxury holuday for 4 to Malta, she always enters the comps in the wifey magazines, so this came from the Bella……she had to phone a number to claim…….the number was a incontinence garments supplier.
    She phoned from my mother in laws and she said my sister in law was getting annoyed that this guy kept telling her that she myst have the wrong number, she phoned it 5 times. before she started to think, then she phoned my wife and my wife told her. She did see the funny side and said she deserved it after the motorway prank. She did say to her husband when she opened the letter that they would take my wife a I lol….

    If you want to know about my neice and what letter she got on her 18th birthday from the German government you just gave to ask. The Blind date one, the ‘You have an STD and have to give this leaflet to all your sexual partners in the last 6 months’ letter. I did take legal advice because I did advertise and sold a few for entertainment purposes only on ebay at £10 each and was told that if anyone got hurt, dumped, divorced I could be sued so I stopped lol. But if I was asked I would do one for fun only 🙂

    Sorry its a bit long lol 🙂


    1. Don’t apologise!
      Gawd, Pete, you’re worse than my kids. Or me.
      How did you get away with all that? And selling them on e-bay! Priceless!
      I would have died if someone had asked me to drive to 200 miles to god knows where. I’m bad enough going to anywhere I’ve not been before…if you know what I mean? I always need a dummy run for new places. 🙂
      You’re a bit of a devil! 😉 x


      1. I know your wanting to know….. My neice was born in Germany, her father was in the Blackwatch. I put a package together letter, colour leaflet, medical forms, travel warrents for the train and for the London underground, and a few other birs and bobs in a buff A4 envelope all from the German Embassy in London. The letter said that her father did not register her birth with in the statutory 72 hours with BFOS which means technically she was a German citizen and thus have to do 2 years in the German armed forces. She had 7 days to get her affairs in order and present herself at the German Embassy no later than such a date, failure to do so will leave herself open to arrest and taken to Germany.
        She fell for it hook, line and sinker, she phones my wife crying saying “I dont want to join the German arrrrrrmmmmyyyyyy”
        My neice now 31 does find it funny, but she never spoje to me for a month and neither did her granny who she lived with.

        Yes I can ve a right bugger sometimes lol but you know where to cone if you need a letter lol 🙂


  3. My wife said elasticised denim is what those young people are wearing along with white support socks, padded disposable underwear and slip on velcro shoes, all the rage she said!!


      1. Well your part of Scotland is slow to get the latest fashions, you still get Coronation Street in black and white and Ena Sharpels still drinking her Sweet Heart Stoat in the snug.:-) x


      2. You will have to look for me at as closes as a blog from today and reopens as a website in a few days. 🙂
        Keep watching the space 🙂


      3. Thank you, the girls are coming for a week tomorrow I am so excited, not seen them since August, I think I told you, but I amntelling you again because I am to excited 🙂


      4. Thank you, I and knackered it was a hellva drive around Edinburgh, there are no sign posts to the train station and then no signs to the Forth bridge. But we are home safe and this morning the two climbed into bed with me either side of me for cuddles and I was in heaven 🙂 my girls are home 🙂


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