Muscles And Madness

I don’t think of myself as amusing. Or funny. I’m not a joke teller particularly. On the odd occasion, I do nail one. But there are too many moments when I forget the punchline or have to return to a bit I’ve missed. Then if anyone ends up laughing it’s usually at how awful my telling of the joke was.

Having said that I have been known to reduce people to laughter and I’m always highly amused whenever my anecdotes or musings have this effect.

Most of the time this occurs from my embarrassing moments.

Once I get over the embarrassment I usually find myself sharing the tales with others and I suppose laughing at yourself is at least not laughing at someone else. People, for some reason, like it when you take the piss out of yourself.

So for me trying to be funny doesn’t really work. It just sort of happens. Or not.

I don’t go around deliberately sharing embarrassing moments or anything like that but if I find myself in company and the mood is light-hearted I kind of can’t help myself. There’s usually a certain amount of drink involved. Though not always. Like now.

It’s never malicious. Well, how can it be if you’re laughing at yourself? I just think that some things deserve to be shared and then people share all sorts of wonderful things about their embarrassing moments and I get to piss myself laughing at them. At their behest.

I was trying to think back to some recent moments of embarrassment and I suppose the worst would be when I accidentally twooted my leg, in the bath, to WordPress and Twitter. I deleted it, of course, so don’t go looking. But I was mortified. Then I shared it with my sister who has a knack for making me laugh at everything and anything. By the time I had told her and had a marvellous Facebook chat with her I was doubled at my own stupidity and, I admit, I maybe did leak a bit from the nether regions.

The reason for this I think is because genuine laughter makes you lose muscular control. Why else would my face crease into contortions I have no ability to control? Why else would tears run down my cheeks? Why else would I fall from chairs? Or pee my pants? It can’t just be because I’ve had seven kids. That wouldn’t affect my face or my gravity.

No there is definitely a lack of all muscular control when you are genuinely amused to the point of pissdom.

I think back now to my earliest memories of pissing myself with laughter and no children had been birthed. In fact I was pretty much no more than a child myself. Maybe about 12.

The first I recollect was organising a show in my dad’s garden hut with my best friend at the time. We rigged up a curtain, created some seats for our audience and charged some of our friends 10pence for the privilege of listening to us sing. There was diluted juice and homemade fairy cakes too. We knew how to take care of our guests. Unfortunately, my friend was no singer despite believing she was.

When it was her turn to sing she belted out a rendition of some song that was about a being a conductor on a bus. From behind the makeshift curtain I could see our audience raising their eyebrows and nudging one another as if to say, ‘WTF! We paid for this?’

I couldn’t help it. I began to laugh. You know the shoulder-shaking kind that you can’t get under control? And I felt awful for laughing at my best friend’s attempts to wow her audience. X-factor take note. I couldn’t. I tried all the usual things. Biting my lip. Thinking sad thoughts. I just couldn’t. And the more I tried the worse it got. Until. I pissed myself. There behind the curtain. Then I saw a new look dawn on the faces of our audience!

Dis-fucking-belief! They couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it! With a puddle at my feet I had certainly managed to take the bad look off my friend. Without even trying. Not my best debut.

Another occasion I pissed myself was trying on clothes in a local boutique when I was in my early teens. Why does no one tell you that you should always wear sanitary protection regardless of age? How is anyone meant to know when the giggles will erupt?

This little boutique welcomed my sister and I most weekends because my mum had an account there and whenever we ‘needed’ a new item of clothing we could go in and fend for ourselves and try things on to our hearts’ content. No stalking shop assistant checking to see if we were stuffing clothes down our knickers. If I’d known what was to occur I would have stuffed something down my knickers. Anything. Well, anything absorbent.

Sis accompanied me into a tiny cubicle while I tried on a dress. Now I had taken the correct size but for some reason I appeared to have grown two arses and a second set of boobs. So I struggled to get it on. Quite a bit. But I was determined. We giggled at my efforts and once it was on my sister told me, as only sisters can, ‘Nah. It looks shite on you.’ I laughed and agreed. And then it happened. I couldn’t get the fecker back off. V. started making all sorts of comments about having to wear it forever. Or having to go and pay for it while still wearing it. In fact, I think now that I might have tried it on on top of my clothes. That would account for the tight fit, I suppose.

The more comments she whispered the worse I got until I could feel my facial muscles lose all control. I heard a rip. And then those other muscles lost some measure of control. You know the ones. The ones that pelvic floor exercises help keep strong for just such occasions and for other ones that I won’t go into here.

But who the hell needs pelvic floor exercises at 13 or 14? No. Laughter definitely releases more than just pent up emotions.

Now I have many more such anecdotes but I think I’ll save those for individual posts. Except perhaps to say that if you purchase a little accoutrement from an online sex shop that attaches to the top of an electric toothbrush be sure to remove it before charging said toothbrush. And before a child asks what sort of toothbrush is that? And before you can only think to say, ‘It’s a gum massager.’ I didn’t laugh then. I blushed. Hubby, standing behind 12 year old, might just have peed his pants though. At least going by the tears running down his face. True story. And very good value for money btw. Comes highly recommended.

Now the purpose of this post is that Ali has created a new award called The Damp Laundry Award. And she nominated me and two others. The proviso was that I wrote a humorous post and nominated three others to do the same. Now Ali has something of the bawdy in her humour. Which I so get. Not my fault. Three brothers you see. And two sisters who share the same delicious humour.

So. Did you at least dampen the crotch area slightly? Or have my efforts been in vain?

And now to my nominees.

Being The Memoirs Of Helena Hann-Basquiat

Peace, Love and Patchouli


And now I get to post this.

damp laundry award Thank you, Ali!



43 thoughts on “Muscles And Madness”

  1. Hilarious, darling. I hope I haven’t caused you any incontinence. Or maybe I do — your problems are your own, darling – my aim is laughter or tears, not dirty laundry.


  2. You certainly need that award (designed by moi), I know that warm feeling. After my motorbike accident and was back walking after 3 months in a wheelchair I was warned about taking it easy and that if I pushed it I would find myself in trouble and back in hospital. Anyway I was in Woolworths in the household aisle and my bladder decided to empty without warning, now I was told that the signal between brain and nerves can stop, but didn’t expect it in Woolworths, never mind on a Saturday, so I am stood supported by 2 walking sticks feeling sheepish when this litte old lady came to me and said “Are you ok son, it happens to us all…. You just have to hold your head up high and walk with pride” Sge touched my hand and walked away, head held high I squelched my way out the doors and to my car not far away……..


    1. Aw, Pete. A whole other reason for the embarrassment. God bless the wee wummin for reassuring you though. It’s one thing to have it happen through mirth and quite another because of an accident. Although like most things in life eventually have to laugh just to get over it. I think so anyway. Hugs.x


    1. Well you need to laugh, not much embarrasses me, things like this is just another thing that you deal with and smile then move on lol. This problem is now a daily event both day and night, big nappies is the answer, keeps my arse warm in the winter, don’t need to get up during the night and easily go to the cinema and watch a long film and drink a huge coke lol…….. 🙂


      1. Just as well you can laugh, Pete. It’s one thing to have the occasional woops! and that can be embarrassing enough to discuss. But there must be any number of people in situations such as yours where health factors play a part. I know when my mum was terminal, incontinence became a factor. She was hugely embarrassed at first. It didn’t help that some of the health care workers almost tutted about it and made their ‘disapproval’ known in the way they dealt with it. Fortunately, we ‘fixed’ that attitude. We had to try to make light of it for her. It’s such a major factor in self-perception. And must never be made to reflect someone’s worth or mental aptitude. I think she felt that people started to view her like a child. Thank god she never lost an ounce of her mental faculties so was able to rationalise the problem and learn to laugh, to some extent, at something that could have made her feel so inept. Also, it’s amazing the capacity that we have within ourselves as carers to deal with these things. I never for a moment thought I could do half of what I did. It was a humbling experience for both of us. But also one that brought us even closer. Strangely mutually beneficial.
        I’m glad that you can laugh at the inconvenience, Pete and realise that it takes nothing from you as a person. And being able to sit through a long movie without rushing out has to have some advantages, right? 😉 Hugs. x


      2. Sorry to hear about your mum, I lost my father to lung cancer, he survived two years, but then gave up as he was in to much pain.
        I have always laughed at myself, its a very healthy thing to do 🙂 I have not had a day since 89 were I have not been in pain and times like that if you try and not see the funny/strange side of life you are not going to survive. One of the pain meds is 100 times stronger than morphinecand its fed to me via a patch giving me 25mg per hour, I change the patch every 72 hours. I normally change it at 10pm at the same time every night I take a cocktail of drugs to help me sleep, painkillers and anti-infamation meds. Now on the day I change my patch and take the cocktail I hallucinat a little. Now I have a bedside clock which projects the time on the ceiling, but if I wake I dont see the time I see an animation, it could be anything, what makes it animated is the two dots that flash, I lay there watching it and normally fall back to sleep lol. I once woke up one morning with no pj bottoms on, a penny sized pain in my chest and this over whelming conviction that I had been kidnapped by aliens 🙂 I even told my doctor and she said its just the pain meds, they are working lol.

        I try and stay positive every day but some days its really hard and depression hits and I tend to take it out on people I know online and then I loose friends, now I tend to stay off line when it hits and keeps myself to myself until it passes, then I am back to ‘normal’ again lol. Hope your having a good Sunday 🙂


      3. Sounds like some medication. I think I’d be writing at those points if I was having hallucinations. Think of the potential!
        It sounds awful, Pete. But it’s great you have such a positive outlook most of the time. I think you’re wise in your last statement. People don’t always understand. Pity but true.
        Having a lazy day before church and then prepping for a new school. Happy Sundays. 🙂 x


      4. I would be writing but I like being in my hallucinogenic world, shame I cannot stay in there wouldn’t get anything done lol. Enjoy your new school. Lucky you 🙂


      5. Those are brilliant, Pete! I can’t get to like or comment on them. I tried linking in through FB but I have to register first or something.
        tremendous shots. the animals are gorgeous. where were these all taken? And the woman following the husband to war. Is that one of these reconstruction events?


      6. Thank you, I could lie and say I was in deepest darkest Peru, but I wont, 🙂 the leopard was taken at Edinburgh zoo, the birds in Wales. The people well I was a photographer for the Sealed Knot, which is te biggest civil war reenactment group with thousands of members I was 1 of only 20 photographers UK wide. I loved going to events and doing the images for publications around the UK and the world, but health comes first. You should joinbte National Geographic, its free and would be good for the schools. 🙂 xx


      7. It doesn’t matter where you took them! I’d love to be able to take a pic of anything and keep their heads in view. I’m really a poor photographer. I’d love to do some poetry based on your pics if you’re up for it. All credit where due. They’re great. Finding pics you’re allowed to use is not easy. At least I haven’t found it so. I’ll join NG. I hope they allow ‘downloads’ to schools. We can’t access You Tube for fear of showing inappropriate material. Like you wouldn’t check it out first. D’uhh! And it’s a shame because there are loads of great video clips I’ve wanted to show the kids and we get access denied popping up. There ways around it but it would be nice if we were trusted. 😉 x


      8. Of course you can use my photos 🙂 I know what you mean I was working in the nursery and we were doing about Winter and snow and see trying to find video on Youtube which 4 year olds can watch was a nightmare.


      9. Aw, thank you, Pete. I find photos quite stimulating for ideas. And I never knew it until relatively recently. 😉
        You’re right about the frustrations of trying to find ‘suitable’ videos to show. Most of them are perfectly fine but we have a block in school ‘just in case’. 😉 x


  3. This so is you! Especially after the whole leg debacle. I was doing the whole laugh out loud thing the other day watching silly animals on vid. I don’t get much here in my cave, but I am getting the right shade of rock brown and red (red since I live in Nevada near the Red Rocks). I already have all the chalk (pastels) I need for drawing. Good think not too much talent is required for these type of drawings, as I am not Michelangelo by a long shot. I do laugh at your stuff often, and at time Trey’s. I do think this is an award created while listening to you. LOL

    Peace & Love


    1. Och well, got to laugh, eh? Keeps you sane. 🙂
      Art is a lovely pastime. I can draw and enjoy doodling about with charcoal and pencils. But can’t paint for toffee. Haven’t used pastels in such a long time except with kids in school. So do you draw the Red Rocks? What about your crew? Any drawings of them? Why not post some of them? 🙂 x


  4. I almost visited the kingdom of pissdom whilst reading this , you may not be able to tell a joke per sae but you write with such humour. I have had 2 kids, so I have visited the kingdom quite a bit over the years..and let’s face it, to laugh like that, so nothing can be controlled is the best medicine isn’t it? Keep on with making us laugh, your feckin brilliant at it 😉 x


    1. I love nothing better than an uproarious laugh. 🙂 My sister is the best one for getting me going. The two of us just wind each other up to pissdom. Just as well it’s usually indoors. And it feels so good. Some hormone or other, I believe. Endorphins – had to check that one. 😉 So cheers to laughter hormones! Great health benefits too. 🙂 x


  5. Sometimes, i do have a tendency to have a sort of fit of laughter at the most inappropriate times. I remember two quite well.

    One was in second year high school when our class was to lead the singing of the national anthem. I felt so conscious singing in front of the whole school even though it was the whole class doing it. I do feel very conscious and awkward till now when I need to perform in front of people (by perform, I mean sing or act. With dancing, I don’t seem to have a lot of issue, probably because I am able to let loose and use energy).Anyway, beside me was my friend who was as socially awkward, and we kept nudging each other until we started to giggle. She could still contain it well enough. I, on the other hand, was shaking and I bet not a few people noticed me looking down, trying to sing, and my shoulders shaking because I was trying sooooooo hard not to laugh out loud! Fortunately, I still managed to go through that. but boy was I so scared after, waiting to be reprimanded by a teacher or the principal, by anyone, or called to the Principal’s Office if not the Guidance Counselor’s. At least none of those imagined scenarios happened *whew!*

    Second was just some years ago when I was supposed to have song number to entertain our magazine’s writers and photographers who I mostly was going to meet in person for the first time. It’s been my personal rule not to eat anything before a singing number because it makes me feel bloated and I have a hard time using my diaphragm. Guess what? Most of the guests were so late, most of us got hungry. So I ate. Bottomline is I had a hard time singing because of that, then forgot the lyrics, and due to or in my embarrassment, I kept laughing. I would try to concentrate and then keep bursting with suppressed laughter. It was really pathetic, really. I didn’t try to finish the song anymore.

    Wow, memories…In hindsight, I should have added these anecdotes to my last post. Very appropriate.


    1. It is so much worse when you’re in a public place, isn’t it? The pressure to try and get yourself under control just works against you and makes everything more hilarious in your own mind. I recollect having episodes like that in certain classes at school or in church with my dad’s eyes on me and my sister daring us not to get a grip on ourselves. Magic moments, though.:) x


  6. HA! Well, I didn’t pee myself but maybe because I was doing Kegels while I read just in case 😉 Fantastic story. i peed myself while running on the treadmill pregnant with my 2nd child. Had no idea until i felt warmth. I was mortified though by myself…but not too mortified because I then cracked up, thereby increasing the pee and then immediately texted my sister. Some things just never lose their humor…or here’s to hoping. 🙂


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