Toss Up

Dear God,

Not to sound ungrateful or anything and many thanks for all these bounteous blessings including a husband, seven weans and a mortgage but I feel you may have overlooked a blessing or two when you were dishing them out.

Now, I’m not pointing this out for just myself, mind you, although I would be eternally grateful.

Think fasting from all sorts for Lent.

Mhmm, that much.

It might have escaped your notice because I know you’re busy with major problems and this might seem like a bit out of your league. Cool, pass it on to one of your minions. You must have an angel for this because I know you’re keen on delegation. Maybe this one’s satnav is on the fritz? Send him. Or her. Not fussed.

I’ll let my husband have a word and point out where Glasgow is because I’m not too good on the whole directional thingy. Been unintentinally over that squinty bridge a few too many times for my liking. Not my fault I have to say. Someone changed the roads or the signs or something. Sorry, I’m wandering again.

The point is I really think you’re missing a great opportunity here to spread the love. Let me explain.

It’s like this.

Five weeks ago to the day the schools here broke up for the summer holidays.

That’s it.

Summer.

Something’s gone wrong and you might not have noticed, what with all sorts of idiocy going on in the world. Why did you let the House of Lords be a thing? Surely, that should be for yourself and, well, yourself really? Is that it? Were you lonely? Thought you’d open up the chapter to a whole other chapter. You so do not want to know what’s going on with that idea. Or maybe that’s what’s keeping you busy. I can imagine how pissed you must be that some lords are not as cool as you.

Anyway, the point of this missive is that, while you’ve been looking elsewhere, someone’s stolen our summer. Really. I shit you not. They obviously left enough random days to make like it still might be around. And I can be slow on the uptake, I know. But, when I can count on the one hand – btw, does it matter which hand it is? – how many days I’ve been able to hang a washing out and chill among it all, I know something’s more seriously amiss than usual.

I’m a bit concerned about this global warming fiasco that’s been making inroads into this lovely planet of yours – kudos on a job well done at the outset. I know you’re probably irked about that too. And I don’t blame you. You maybe think we deserve all the drought or downpours we get in different places.

But, is there any chance, even just a wee one, that you could swap things around a bit?

Just for a spell.

Not that I’m suggesting you use magic or anything but you’ve always been quite handy with the miracles when needed. Fact is, I can count more miracles than sunny days hereabouts. Which is good in lots of ways – not complaining at all about those. Just mentioning.

But here’s the thing, if you don’t do something about this god-awful weather – slip of the tongue, soz – I might be tempted to move to another country and Spanishmomus just doesn’t have the same ring to it, I’m thinking.

I’d pack the whole crew up, lock, stock and mortgage and learn Spanish or some other language with declensions. That’s how desperate I am.

I’ve told my kids I’m having a word with you today and they’re beginning to doubt you listen at all – despite the miracles, which some term a series of fortunate events.

Now, I might have something to do with that growing doubt, given that I’m forever prone to ejacualtions of the, ‘Jesus, Mary and Holy Joseph’ and ‘Sacred Heart’ variety. I mean if you were really listening you’d ensure the kids knew my prayers were heard.

I’m telling you, you’re going to end up with a shower of wee atheists at this rate. Want that on your conscience?

I’m thinking something along the lines of you extending this one sunny day here today – which, even as I speak, is turning overcast, for-the-love-of-all-that’s-holy! – into a fortnight maybe.

Too much?

A week?

Tell you what, let’s toss for it. Souls for sunny days. If you don’t get in quick your arch enemy will see an opening and I know enough people who are about ready to trade.

Let’s do it before you-know-who gets wind of it.

Heads you win. Tails you can’t lose.

And I get to hang my washing out.

 

 

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35 thoughts on “Toss Up”

    1. This is where you and I came in just over two years ago, Tric, with you heading off to Spain, if I remember correctly. And that itself guaranteed the weather here! No wonder folk emigrate. :/

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      1. I think this year was particularly rotten. I still feel the rage that a few weeks ago we were promised a heat wave which never came past Dublin.
        Wow that was a fast two years.

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      2. It hasn’t half flown – despite the lousy weather. It’s a crying shame, so it is. I can hardly bring myself to listen to the forecasts anymore. Spend all my time saying, ‘Shite, no’ again!’ Hubs informed me, unbelievably gleefully, yesterday that there was frost in the glens. Nearly walloped him with a frying pan. Frost, I ask you. There’s something far wrong. God better get back to me on this or there’ll be hell to pay before the summer’s over.

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      3. I saw a great Fb post yesterday. It was the map of Ireland with a weather update saying weather update. Weather tomorrow has been updated from pure shite to just shite!

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      4. That’s made my night! Pmsl here at the fact that we have to laugh about it or greet. You’ve probably seen the other one too then that’s trying to load summer, Windows style, with an error message saying it can’t be found, try Spain. Feck sake, I’m away again. 😀

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  1. How does Ozziemommus sound momus, plenty of room over here….AND we are in mid winter and the temperatures are hovering around 20. Supposed to be 20 to 24 all weekend and sunshine forever. Might have to go back to barefoot and short sleeves 🙂
    Mind you, we did have a week of going down to 7 degrees, that was exciting, I actually had to put a coat on 🙂

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    1. Do you know, Mark, I’m beginning to like the sound of these alternative names. I think, ideally, I’d be a bit of a nomad – wandering the globe (the hot bits, mainly!) and doing a spot of writing from here, there and everywhere. Ozziemomus sounds just dandy along with Italianmomus, Spanishmomus, Greekmomus and Anywheretheressunshinemomus.

      I remember chatting with some friends who’d emigrated to Australia and were pining a bit to come home but once back said they couldn’t afford to live here with the kids. In Australia they were outdoors all the time in as few items of clothing as possible and didn’t need so much entertaining. Here they had to keep buying them clothes for every eventuality and taking them to the cinema and ice-skating and whatnots.
      The weather has a lot to answer for. I could be rich! And think of all the time I would have not doing so many washings and cooking. I could just fling some sausages on the barbie while soaking up the rays in minimalist attire. Start the coals! Be there in a jiffy! 😛

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      1. We corrupt totally here momus. You slowly release all those things we think we need in life and just sit back and watch the world go by.
        Ok, we have to work a little bit, but when your in a place that when you knock of work you still have sunshine till 9pm mid summer, that’s another life on its own.
        If I get rich I’ll send you and family tickets to come do a summer over here. You won’t go home 😀

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      2. But you’ve got big spiders and snakes and things that bite your arse when you go to the loo I’ve heard. Might still take my chances though. 😛 Not today right enough. Sun’s out! Who says he doesn’t lisen? 😉

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      3. They’re not that big momus, the spiders that fit on dinner plates are only out in the bush. The ones that fit in your hand are the only ones you’ll bump into when your asleep at night and they drop onto your face.
        And the snakes are only littlie’s too, nothing over 3 feet, but they are as deadly as a cobra, so we always carry a gun, just in case….for them and the wild packs of dingoe’s that come down to grab anything wandering around at night. Cleans the streets up of drunks and people up to no good though. Speaking of which, the murder rate has gone down from 30 a night to 27….in New South Wales anyway.
        It’s a great place to live though, makes you feel alive 😀

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      4. I presume you’re joking. I hope you’re joking. Spiders I’m fine with, well the titchy ones we get here. Don’t know if I’d cope with hairy big buggers. Snakes, shit! Guns, see me running. I’ve probably watched too many of those discovery/nature programmes for comfort. Love them but some make my skin crawl.
        I was telling my daughter about your comment and she then told me that she’d received a FB message from a friend of hers who’s visiting her dad, I think it was, in Australia but had locked herself in her room because there was a big buggery spider in the kitchen and her dad wasn’t home. Mine do that here as well right enough so I don’t know what the lass expected Rachel to do but I can imagine her plight if they’re as big as I’ve seen on TV and you’re saying.
        I might just have to live with shite weather if I can’t do the wildlife. :/ Probably depends on what you’ve grown up with and are used to. Think ‘Charlotte’s Web’ and you’ll get what I’m accustomed to. Quite fond of the wee blighters. 🙂

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      5. I shouldn’t do that momus, I’ve probably given our tourism a downturn, minus 500 after this 😀
        None is true…promise….well, except for maybe the sharks….did I tell you about the white pointer sharks that swim between your legs as your trying to catch a wave? 😀
        Now this bit is true…by the truth of my heart I promise not a stretched bit of comment…promise. About the only thing you really have to worry about in Australia is….the bloody parking rangers. They’ll book you for parking your car 2 seconds over the limit and they can smell your fear from a thousand yards. Now they’re a pest 😀 Truthfully!
        We DO have the odd spider but you rarely see them, unless you are really playing in their territory ie. up in your roof space or something. The snakes you do need to keep your eye out for but they usually hear you first and beat it back into wherever they came from. Now the sharks are like anywhere else in the world, you get the odd attack, mind you, it’s been in the papers everywhere about the pro surfer having a little play with a white pointer in South Africa during a surfing competition. Hey, he was just getting on camera! 😀
        So it is safe down here, you really only have to worry about some people stirring the world up making crazy comments that aren’t true 🙂 But there’s none here 😀

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      6. I’m glad I didn’t believe all that you said. I didn’t. Really, I didn’t. Well, okay, some of it. I never even gave the sharks a thought. How could they have escaped my imaginings! Funny how with such disparity between wildlife here and there the traffic wardens manage to be the same. Although no one bothered us today when we parked up on a grass verge at the beach today. No sign of sharks either. Not that we would have noticed, right enough, as the waves hammered hell out of the shore. Feckin’ weather. God’s just not taking me on. I’ll be packing up directly, wildlife or not! :/

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  2. An entertaining read, Anne-Marie – so sorry that your summer has come and gone. We’ve had two weeks of alternate glorious sunshine and lashings of rain. Should be used to it by now as most of our summer’s are the same these days. Did we really have six weeks of basking in the Sun when we were younger?
    Enjoy your last week, and hope that your new brood of kiddies are good to your.
    Just over four weeks left for me (tee, hee!)

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    1. Two weeks, Chris! Don’t shorten it! I think we must just have worn vests and long johns all summer when we were young and imagined the heat. Either that or selective memory. Today, fortunately, the big man has listened to my pleas. Wouldn’t call it glorious but we take what we can get. :/
      Don’t know where I’m going yet after the hols! Probably find out the day before knowing the office. Life on the edge, eh?
      Catch those rays while the going’s good, Chris. The weeks just fly. Another sign of aging – bugger. 🙂

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  3. Hahaha! If it’s any comfort…… our spring in The Middle of USA had lasted FOREVER – so much rain it was ridiculous. Now , just last week, we have HOT and dry. Normal. I I want a sea breeze – but not happening unless the fault line by St. Louis cracks open and we become beach front property – OR the San Andreas faultily to the west pops and we have Pacific property. Long shots – we went to the Gulf coast of Florida instead for two weeks.
    Anyway, perhaps it is going your way now….. since we got up into the 95+ F just this week.
    Stand strong 😉
    cate b

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  4. Packing up a ‘Vegas Care Package complete with a lot of friggin’ sun and heat from the oven. Tourists often state the heat here is like opening the oven door, so…turn on the oven, don’t stick your head in, but just open it periodically with your face well in the center of the out pouring of heat, and …WALLHA! You have ‘Vegas summer!

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    1. Well, I’m right mighty fine appreciative of your thoughtfulness, ma’am, if you don’t mind me sayin’.
      Sorry, wrong state!
      Now listen, Rene, I have my head in the gas oven often enough without simulating summer via British Gas but I know that wall of heat from yesteryear’s travels. And loved it. 🙂 Couldn’t quite believe it was possible and just kept reiterating, ‘Gawd, it’s roasting!’ With a ludicrous grin if memory serves. You must tire of it I know. Weird I suppose that we all have reason to relish something different than our norm.
      My son was telling me today that he was chatting with an air hostess on his flight who was working the Dubai to Glasgow run and she couldn’t wait to feel some cooling rain and see some green. I’m probably competing in prayers with her! Think both were answered today. Cooler for her but warmer for me. Fingers crossed for tomorrow. 🙂

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      1. Oh, Momus, how I wish we’d get some rain to cool off now. With August arriving it’s about to feel like on oven on broil in hell. Sunny days are nice but a little cloud cover would go a long way in helping with the electric bill.
        LOL

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