(S)praying For The Country

Dear God,

Well, that was exciting, wasn’t it?
I haven’t had so much excitement since I was a but a child and that big, burly farmer bellowed at me to, ‘Get the fuck out of my wheat field, ya wee bastard!’
Peed my pants that day, I can tell you. Gave a whole new meaning to crop spraying.

And that fellow was so out of order. It was, after all, a devil-may-care moment, shared, I’m sure, by all normal children from time to time.
Honestly, who hasn’t, in the flush of exuberant youth, cast off the yoke of obedience, thrown caution to the wind and trespassed on someone else’s property? I like to think of it as my ‘Buckfast in the park’ moment. Pissed, at least, in one sense of the word. Har, de, har, har!
Such japes.

I should, of course, have left those days behind for good and followed daddy’s advice. ‘Be a good girl.’
Such wise words.
He was quite the sage, you know. Well, you would know.
I learned so much from him.
Although he did have the unfortunate habit of speaking in cliches.
Ah, but he was so strong and stable.
And I did take his advice.
I was as good as good can be.
But, Jesus wept, (my bad), it was so boring.

People used to look at me like I was some sort of robot. Always doing as I was supposed to do. ‘Tess the Tame’, I once overheard someone whisper. Well that, and ‘Little Miss Pee-Your-Pants’.
Can’t trust anyone to keep a secret, I’ve found to my cost.

I suppose I just had to rebel at some point.
I’ve practised quietly for years.
Doing little things here and there, you know.
Never accept a court judgement.
Make stubbornness an art form.
Under no circumstances, give in. Except sometimes. Stamp a metaphorical foot in the recesses of your mind.
Curse them all. ‘Ya cunts, I’ll have you, one day!’
So liberating. In a mental, internalised, repressed sort of way.

And another wheat field day arrived.

How I longed to relive that glorious, carefree day. Without the final flood.

I felt sure, this time, that I would get away with it. I was sure I had the farmers and everyone else on side. I had practised speaking naturally till I had it almost off pat.

I had traipsed all over the country, talking to a few people in barns and the like. What is it with me with farms and isolation? Might need to work on that too.
I had even, as one does, practised, to the mirror, keeping my face composed at all times, so that no one, no, not even daddy, would know what I was thinking. All those, ‘fuck off ya trumpet’ thoughts were so well contained, apart from the odd twitch of my lips when I almost came right out and said it.
‘It’s my party now! I’m in charge! I’m head girl! Getyersel’ tae yer ain wheatfield!’
I had it all carefully organised.

And then I peed my pants again.

Thank god for Tena Lady.
I have shares in them, you know.
Always be prepared.

And now that corn-coloured, flop-haired saboteur is on his bike again, working up what passes for a sweat in the crack of his arse.
Waiting in the wings. Ready to steal my thunder. Undermining me at every turn. I don’t need his help for that. I can do things by myself. I have words. And stuff.

I’ve always been a loner, though.

Didn’t do naughty till that day, back then.
The shame of it haunts me still.

I’m not saying I’m going to flip. That would be so middle-class. And daddy wouldn’t have approved.

But, I swear to god, if I hear one mention of ‘pishing it’, I’ll sell my shares in Tena Lady and spray this country from Land’s End to John O’ Groats.

And, with the wind in the right direction, so, help me, Ireland will taste my piss.

I will be remembered as the biggest piss artist of all time.

Got to be remembered for something, after all.

Amen.

(source)

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10 thoughts on “(S)praying For The Country”

  1. And a wry smile spread across our faces. Or should that be ‘rye’ as we’re on a cereal based theme?
    Excited? So much so I nearly paid my license fee!
    As you said previously we now wait for those we hoped would help to suck up to Power. At least you made me smile.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’ve been feeling, for months, that I’m caught in a neverending episode of The Twilight Zone, Chris. And someone else has the remote. What else can you do but laugh? Well, that, and get angrier.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. That field looks as barren as your politics at the moment momus. And I’m also afraid to say, your country is about to go through what we are at the moment…absolutely no control (seats) and all they can do is argue back and forth with all the opposition blocking everything that is attempted to pass. Pass what you say?….’wind’…because that is now all that will be flowing from those corridors of …ahem…power 😦
    We’ve had the same idiots doing absolutely nothing now for years, and bluster by the bucket loads.
    Go find a nice warm holiday spot for about 3 years with no radio and tv, trust me, it isn’t going to be nice 😀
    Oh, I’m an insensitive soul, thinking they couldn’t agree on anything…they will all agree to give themselves a raise in their pay packets…often!
    Thank you for sharing Anne-Marie, and may your pants stay dry 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wet pants, on my part, would be the result of laughing so hard at the imbeciles pretending they know what they’re doing, Mark. Tess’s wringing knickers are about to get wetter still. A few weeks of sunshine should see me right and I finish up school in just over a fortnight. Time for some R&R. And ready for it.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. We have been cursed to live in interesting times. Let’s hope we all survive! I’m coming to Ireland in a couple of weeks. Hope the piss storm holds off until after my vacation.

    Liked by 1 person

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