Buckie an’ Gawd an’ Aw That

(source)

I’ve hud a few drams an’ I’m feelin’ grand

I think that I’m gonnae write

Creation incomin’, ma big pen in hand

Thunderbolts ur in sight!

 

I’ll start wi’ a bang cause I’m a big noise

A wee joke there! Whit am I like?

I’ll make loads ae space fur aw ae my toys

Nice work there fur a first strike

 

I’ll leave it the noo while I drink a bit mair

The lubricant’s good fur my aim

A few million years tae let the brew simmer

Don’t want tae make moves aw the same

 

Thish shtuff is braw, don’t know whit it’sh cried

But it’sh shurley nectar fur me

Ma haunsh urr aw shaky an’ sho urr ma words

Better leave thingsh shum mair tae I can shee

 

God, I’m feelin’ rough, nae mair ae that stuff

At least, no’ the noo, fur a while

A few miles roon the block should clear oot my guts……

 

…….Whoosh! Back tae work wi’ a smile

 

Time tae move oan wi’ ma opus, an’ that

Nae mair magnums tae I’ve penned a bit mair

Chewin’ ma nib, brain cells feelin’ smart

Wieldin’ my bolt noo wi’ flair

 

I’ll huv a wee peek tae see the land’s lie

Well, wid ye ever? Good grief!

Look at aw that! It’s grown by an’ by

This goes beyond self-belief

 

But somethin’ is missin’. Whit could it be?

Everythin’ looks too spot oan

Worlds aw a-turnin’, withoot even me

Some folk’ll think that I’ve gaun

 

Aw, that’s right, I’ve no made them yet

Ma brain’s still too fuzzy fae booze

They’re part ae ma plan, how could I forget

Noo, let’s think a bit then I’ll choose

 

I’ll start wi’ a man an’ we’ll huv a wee chat

Let him know how this’ll work

No’ too much, though, nae equals or that

Don’t want him goin’ berserk

 

I’m on a roll, he looks no’ too bad

Hi, there, ma lad, how ye dain’?

Panic thee not, I’ll be yer dad

Noo, listen tae whit yer dad’s sayin’

 

I’m writin’ a book, an adventure an’ such

Wi’ twists an’ turns everywhere

I keep losin’ the plot wi’ imbibin’ too much

An’ ma heid is aye feelin’ sair

 

But, bear wi’ me, son, an’ I’ll gie ye the gist

There’s a flagon callin’ ma name

You write a bit fur me while I go an’ get pissed

But try tae keep true jist the same

 

I’ll no’ leave ye yersel’, fur that widnae dae

Ye’d die here left oan yer ain

Ye’re no’ a bad model, I huv tae say

But ye’re lackin’ a bit in the brain

 

I’m soberin’ up an’ I’ve hud an idea

It’s different but might be my best

Listen tae me, ye’ll be thrilled when ye hear

I’ve got plans tae plump up yer chest

 

I’m gaun fur tae make ye a partner, I say

A helpmate fur aw ae yer life

Ye can call hur ma darlin’, ma sweetheart, ma tumshie

Ye can even call hur yer wife

 

She’ll make ye yer dinner, she’ll darn yer soacks

She might even knead yer sore necks

She’ll massage yer ego but nag, fur a joke

Fur expectin’ too much kinky sex

 

I’ll make her yer equal tae stand side by side

But remember, she’s no’ built like you

Hur muscles, internal, hur strength, ae the mind

So, be gentle, whatever ye do

 

Don’t punish hur boady because ye’ve brute strength

Use it insteid tae defend

She’ll last ye a lifetime if ye’re kind and, at length

Mair men an’ wummen I’ll send

 

So, why am I sendin’ a wummin, ye ask

Cause a wummin’s the best part ae me

I’m split doon the middle wi’ genders, my task

Tae try oot the options an’ see

 

A word tae the wise fae the heavens up here

Don’t treat hur as if she’s yer slave

She’s ma secret weapon, so listen, don’t fear

Fae yer ain worst excesses, she’ll save

 

So, here comes the wummin. A brammer! A beezer!

Staun back, man! She isnae that type

Noo woo hur and show hur ye urnae a geezer

No’ like that! Gawd, whit ur ye like?

 

Noo, move back a bit an’ gie hur some space

Ye’re crampin’ hur style wi’ that thing

Whit wis a thinkin’? Don’t shove yer dick in hur face

The trouble that thing’s gonnae bring

 

I can jist see it noo if men are in charge

Charge! The target’s in sight!

Ma dong is bigger than yours, it’s well large!

Aye, it is! Hey pal, you waant a fight?

 

Haw, wummin, c’mere, I’ve got somethin’ tae say

A bit ae advice, a wee drap

The man I huv made waants sex everyday

Fur your sake, make sure ye’re sittin’ oan tap

 

Cut him some slack tae he’s caught up wi’ you

Don’t waant tae undo whit I’ve made

A couple ae years tae he evolves, well, a few

Noo, remember, aw that I’ve said

 

Jist hing oan a while an’ he’ll figure it oot

An’, tae he dis, ye’re the wan who knows best

I’m right behind ye, I’ve got yer back

I’m callin’ it a wee IQ test

 

Put up wi him an’ ye’ll get yer reward, see

No the noo, though, so don’t make too many plans

Love him an’ guide him an’ don’t poison his tea

He’s only prototype man

 

An’ watch oot fur power, it’s a bugger fur men

Testosterone aye waants tae strut

You’ve got some tae, though it’s tempered, ma hen

That is ma deepest cut

 

Yer moods they will swing wi’ the mix I huv made

But remember, ye’re no mental, an’ that

Yer bum’s no’ too big, jist the time ae the month

An’, naw, jeez, ye don’t look too fat

 

Models at the ready, a guy an a gal

Ye’ll dae aw right if ye heed ma advice

But naeboady’s listened tae me fur a while

I huftae say everythin’ wance mair than twice

 

The time it has come and eons huv passed

Feck sake! They don’t know whit they’re dain’!

Neither ae them listened tae the advice they amassed

They’re eejits, these men an’ these wummen

 

The choices I huv, they are many an’ vast

I could jist rub them oot, start again

But I never undo whit I’ve written doon last

I leave that aw doon tae mad men

 

Extinction, it seems, is their aim, so it is

Whit can I dae aboot this?

Quicker than I’ve made it, they’re destroyin’ it aw

Noo who’s takin’ the piss?

 

Haw, wummen, c’mere, I’ve loast maist ae the men

They’re aw away the fairies

If we don’t fix it noo, afore it’s too late

There’s no gaunae be any mair ae ye’s

 

You’re no’ quite loast so listen up, see

I know ye’ve no’ hud real chances

Tae be aw the wummen that youse can aw be

Ma fault, hen, that men ur such dunces

 

Cover yer breasts, ma bow ye shall yield

Don’t be a slave tae yer tits

Gird up yer loins an’ hoist yer big shields

Bugger men! We’re gaunae fix this

 

Here come the wummen! An Amazon clan

Ready for battle to start

You men huv muffed it wi’ aw ae yer plans

An’ I’m jist no’ huvin’ aw that

 

I write the stories! Follae the script!

I’m puttin’ wummen oan tap

I shouldne huv hud aw that nectar I hud

I should’ve jist hud a wee drap

 

Never create when ye’ve hid a bit much

A good few too many drams

Keep the big pen an’ the bolt oot ae touch

Or yer characters might turn oot tae be bams

 

Bampots United versus female race

Jeez, this writin’s a laugh

I’ll put ma money oan hur, tae save face

A wee lie doon noo tae sleep this stuff aff

 

Aw, jeez Louise, look who they’ve picked!

Mad May an’ that man is still there!

I’m feelin’ scunnert enough tae be sick

I’ll be back when I’ve cleaned up the flair

 

A few years huv passed noo an’ whit can I see?

A beautiful world doon below

Nary a human, it’s jist birds an’ bees

An’ I’ve learned a lesson, I know

 

When writin’ a book, make sure tae stay sober

An’ start wi’ a wummin’ next time

Lay aff the nectar, at least tae October

Thon Buckfast is mair than cheap wine

 

Fortified noo, wi’ intent an’ a plan

An’ I’ll try oot a totie wee pen

Best tae gang slower an’ write oot long haun

An’ keep ma pen aff ae daft men

 

I’ll no’ start wi chaos, this time, naw, I’ll no’

Better tae draw oot a wee chart

Plan it oot furst, make them act it oot slower

I’ll have a wee drink. Then I’ll start.