I’m not pregnant
I’ll never be again (just so’s you know)
Then why’s my belly so distended
(Like I’m three months gone
And my secret’s starting, now, to show)
It could be constipation
But I don’t think that’s it
If you’re at your dinner, please excuse,
For the first thing that I did, on returning home from work,
Was to take my kindle for a sit
It might be all the Revels that I ate last night
Why, oh why, I did, I do not know
Except perhaps for comfort
(That all chocolate brings)
We women ( and some men) know this is so
It could be from the BLT that I ate for lunch
Sitting in my gut and festering
Wondering why I did
(When I did not enjoy)
Exponential indigestion and thinking
It could be from the second glass of wine consumed
Unused, this while back, to tasting grape
Gurgling in my gut, with too little food,
Objecting, as tums do
And going ape
I’m thinking that it could be from the seven weans
Who’ve stretched my belly out of sync
And, as soon as I relax,
It all goes to pot
No wonder mums and dads need stronger drink
I’m tempted to suggest that I’ve been too lax
In yoga exercises and the rest
Delaying till tomorrow (what needs done today)
Of all excuses,
This one sounds the best
My tablet’s resting on a little mound
(It’s handy and I think I’m doing well)
Slurping on the red stuff
(With too little food)
Relaxing while my tummy grows and swells
Maybe I am windy, (hadn’t thought of that)
It’s never on my mind (swear on my heart)
Maybe if I squeeze
(And groan a little bit)
I’ll get a flatter tummy and new start
I’m not troubled by the swelling
(Well, maybe just a bit)
It’s awkward, as hell, in too-tight jeans
Bugger all the effort, (I paused to hunt them out)
I understand why people wear leggings
The comfort that they bring (never mind the bulge)
Explodes the myth of uncool (all that guff)
It’s either that or jammies
(And it’s way too early)
And too many folk here to go in the buff
I’m tranquil in my leggings with my pregnant pause
(Revels are waiting in the drawer)
The working week is over
(Thank god for it)
Why would any working woman want more
Yoga on the morrow
(With my fingers crossed)
(It’s not my fault, she cancelled every class)
Not worried ’bout the belly (I can cope with that)
But don’t get me started on my arse!