HMRN SS TreysHead

Here I am…

Standing here…

…………..Like a dumbass.

Picture me;

My hands are at my hips (representing the grandmother)

My eyes are scanning the floor at my feet (representing me at 10)

And my mind is blank… trying to recall where I put something (representing most of the human race over 30)

I fell into this predicament because I tried to multi-task without the required software in my brain. An update that I failed to update….

Now, I am in the “I’ll be damned” zone.

Here’s how it happened:

I had been home (my RV) for a day now and it was time to do the laundry.

I loaded up the rancid menswear into a basket, dug through the drawers for quarters, made sure I had my Tide and Bounce (sounds like a Dub step)

Anyways…

I plunged into the brutal South Arkansas heat, plodding through the humidity that hung about me like a lead cloak, fighting off the Bedouin Tribe…..wait… that last parts not true.

Got carried away…sorry. (I’m soo dramatic and creative sometimes)

Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!

Well, anywhos….I finally make it to the wash room after dropping 5 lbs and surviving a mini-stroke.

I……’m better now, thanks for your concern.

Yes, you may touch my pee pee…..

Dammit!! Where’d that come from!?

There I was, trying to tell a damn story, then all of a sudden……BAM!

The dirty old man pops up!!!

Sick bastard…

To hurry this along, I did my laundry…..

I went and got my laundry….

I then bought 2 Cokes and placed them in the basket at opposite corners, next to each of my hands.

That’s where it started to get screwy I think, because I put the basket down on my front steps and grabbed the hose (the crinkly green one like you’ve all seen on QVC or As Seen On TV) and watered my plants.

Of course in this heat, it evaporated within minutes.

Useless…..

I then opened my front door, grabbed the basket, set it inside, and shut the door.

Normal stuff, right….done it a million times right….?

Then, the hitch in my giddy-up….

Something distracted me…just for a freaking split second.

Hey! A squirrel!!!!

That’s when I noticed the envelope on my table I had brought in earlier on one of my desert treks to the park laundry.

Picking it up…”Capitol One?” I hummed…tossing it into the trash…”What’s in your wallet?” I chuckled to myself appreciating my humoristic expertise… (is that a word? I’ll Google it later)

After depositing the letter into the “outgoing” mail with the other vital financial files, I returned my attention to the clean clothes. Bending over toward the basket, I noticed something odd…

“Where are the Cokes?”

I looked in the before mentioned corners…No cokes

I took out each item of folded apparel…Nada

The bottom of the basket was bare…Nyet…Neine!

That’s when I stood and entered into the aforementioned state of bafflement.

“What the hell..?” I said out loud, looking around.

No one answered me.

Crazy people live alone it appears…..

Crap…here we go again. (“WE” are the voices) at least the ones that are still talking to me….

[ Scene 1]

Inside Treys head [Layout of Treys head] Picture a dimly lit Submarine Operations center (“the Con”]

Chekov: “Sir! We’ve got a gap”

Captain Nemo: “Gap…? Again…? I thought we worked that out?”

Bo Derek: “Evidently we missed something sir”

Nemo: “No shit, Sherlock”

 

Scene: Bo Derek running down the beach in a beige one piece.

Real time: See what I have to put up with?

Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!

Nemo: “Okay, let’s heat ‘er up…rig for red”

Her?

Chekov: “Aye sir…rigging for red…Initiating power to core for sweep…”

Real time: I slowly start to rotate my body in a counter-clockwise motion. Looking around my immediate area with growing….bafflement. I have not moved from this spot since I set down the basket. 

–Remember to keep the look of bewilderment on my face until I tell you otherwise…okay?

Chekov: “Power optimal sir, ready for array sweep”

Captain Nemo

Nemo: “Make it so number one”

Vienna Boys Choir: “Aye sir”

Real time: Plagiaristic Bastard is I !!

Real time:

As I continue to spin around…yes…in bafflement…I slowly raise my arms to the crucifix position, splaying my fingers like trying to palm a Basketball…..searching. 

But…now…for some reason I am making noises. I am 50 years old…I am slowly spinning around …with my arms extended, and out of my pursed, baffled lips is coming a sound like…”rumrumrumrumrum…”

Weird.

Chekov: “Array deployed sir, power rerouted to array splay”

Nemo: “That is good…cargo?”

Angelina Jolie: “Nothing on the scope sir, shall I return to your quarters and get in a hot, steamy shower with lots of soapy suds?”

Nemo/Chekov/Vienna Boys Choir: “Make it so!”

Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!

[Sean Connery/SS TreysHead Science Officer] “Captain…may I suggest a reboot of the Ganglia matrix, predominantly covering the Pre-Frontal grid?”

 

Nemo: “What will that accomplish?”

Connery: “Just a way to clear the junk files that the Capital One bug infected, Captain.”

Real time: still spinning, arms out…”rumrumrumrumrum”

Nemo: “Chekov…power dispersal…pressure? Analysis…?”

Chekov: Minimal power loss sir…But, pressure has risen to 150 over 100….she’s stable for now”

She’s?

Nemo: “Initiate File dispersal!!!”

Sophia Loren: “Aye sir” (her hair is messy and it’s humid in here….her boobs are all sticky lookin’)

Grrrrrr……..

FOCUS!!!!

Real time: I come to a stop from my spinning. I sit down. I open my eyes wider to let in more light, to sharpen my focus.

Connery: “Shut down the Optic Array Chekov, you know this unit has a hard time doing 2 things at once”

He called me a “unit”….ha ha

Chekov: “Yes sir…sorry sir”

[Scene] Captain’s quarters…steam rising…a silhouette moving behind the doo…

What the hell…Focus Trey!!

Real time: “Okay…” I mumble. “I know I have not moved from this spot…its only 6’ in a 360 degree circle…” “What the crap did I do with them?”

I’m getting kind of freaked out now. Got to be Dementia…or blood clots!

Nemo: “Stabilize that pressure mister…!”

Donald Duck: “Aye sir” (you know how he talks)

RT: I am literally stressing now…I don’t know what in the hell…or how in the hell…those Cokes vanished!

Plus, I’m starting to get pissed.

Nemo: “Update?”

Chekov: “She’s right on the line sir…but holding”

Damn….

What is up with this “she” shit?!

Charlton Heston: “Dammit man!…specifics!”

Chekov: “The file dump has finished sir, the optical and splayed array were blank…we got nothing sir”

Nemo/Heston/Connery: “Damn!”

Marilyn Monroe: “Sir…shall I slowly bend over and pick up this pen you dropped?”

Nemo/Heston/Connery/Vienna Boys Choir: “Make it so!

Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!

Nemo: “Connery… suggestions?”

Connery:” …Wipe it”

 

Heston: “Dammit man! Wipe it? Are you mad?”

Connery: “It’s the only way to correct our course, Captain…If we continue to maintain this heading the ship will be lost…lost sir”

Nemo: “Chekov my old son…would you be kind enough to…wipe it?”

Devo: “Wipe it good!”

RT: ”Screw this….I’m not sitting here freaking out about this…it’ll drive me nuts! Forget it…they’ll pop up…I probably didn’t even buy the damn things!!!”

Nemo: ” Heading?”

 

Chekov: “Looks like a spot called….Shit Creek, sir; up-river from Denial Bay, sir!”

Nemo: “Break out the oars!”

Angelina Jolie: “We left the paddles on the beach after you spanked my…”

Nemo: “Ahem”

Totally self serving…

Heston: Dammit man! How’re we going to get up  Shit Creek without any paddles!

Nemo: “Steady as she goes…”

RT: I stand up and take the laundry basket (refilled with thoroughly frisked and re-folded clothes) into the bedroom.

I place the basket on my bed…I return to the kitchen. 

I step to the sink to run water for dishes. I add the soap…

Watching bubbles now…dementia coming on fast…

What was I talking about…?

Oh!

I looked at the drainer…”hmmm, better empty that first” I muse.

I pick up the lid of my skillet….

Guess what’s there…?

Yep…Sum Bitch!!!

2 Cokes!!!!

POOF!!

OUTTA FREAKING NOWHERE!!

[Scene: Deck of SS TreysHead] Pandemonium

Alarms screeching…lights flashing…people screaming…Sophia and Angelina in the shower together!!!!

WAIT!!

Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!

I stand there…shaking my head side to side…baffled

Unable to deal with this new input.

Sanity…waning

How…in…the…hell, did they get in there? There is no F’n way?!

I have absolutely no recall of that instant.

None. Nada. Nyet. Neine!

There is only one thing to do now.

Buy some Ensure…and diapers.

……And wait for the home.

I hope they have Jell-o……

Oh…just one more of Angie….

Advertisement

Crying Shame

This one is a little more serious, content wise.

I am a dormant alcoholic you see….

Then, I began to write.

I wish I had started earlier, the writing part I mean.

I was 19 when I took my first drink.

A Crying Shame….

I scored the winning touchdown during a junior varsity football game.

It was a 58 yard touchdown.

My first touchdown.

There was only 1:16 left on the clock in the 4^th quarter.

I was the hero for the next day.

Then, life went on….

I was working on a power plant as an Ironworker. I was sitting on top of the highest steel point of the structure, 340’ above the ground.

2 fighter planes from a nearby base had been using our construction site as a mock target for about a month.

This particular day, they flew by the building so low and so slow, I saw one of the pilots throw me a salute as they passed.

I waved back.

Then, life went on…

My daughter was born, and we gave her a name that was on the front of a baby name book sitting beside my wife’s bed.

We called her “Copyright 1985”.

No, not really. Her beautiful name is Stephanie.

She doesn’t call me daddy anymore.

She doesn’t call me at all.

That doesn’t stop me loving her though.

I call her every day in my mind.

Life goes on.

Of course I remember when both my son’s were born, but not with as much clarity as the first.

I had started drinking by then.

I don’t remember how or why I started, but I can assure you that it robbed me of memories.

Maybe I shouldn’t say “robbed’.

I’ll say “I gave them away”

I have some idea why I started, but I can’t blame that on my wife or the new responsibilities of a father.

I won’t even blame the sexual abuse, my Bi-polar dad or my depressed mother with abuse in her childhood.

I just can’t remember why I started to drink.

I will write about particular occurrences or what I can recall of them in later posts.

Something happened the other day that surprised me and made me look at myself in a different light.

It made me ashamed of myself, but also helped me to realize that this is what sober people probably thought of me….through their eyes.

I have started following a blog from Catherine Lyon, a recovering “Gambling” addict.

Catherine had read and commented on one of my ‘sad’ posts. I pulled up her site to return the courtesy and to see
what she was all about.

When I saw that she was a gambling addict, I began to explore some of the details she was giving about her life and addiction.

Do you know what the first thought in my freaking mind was….?

How in the hell can someone be addicted to gambling?

That’s just stupid….throwing your money away like that!

I have no concept of someone

“NEEDING” to buy a lottery ticket or “NEEDING” to play a slot machine!

I didn’t have that problem.

I can take it or leave it.

The only reason I even buy a lottery ticket or two during the year is mainly because I have a dollar or two left over from a purchase, or I’m bored.

Can you believe I actually thought that?

Me…? A freaking alcoholic, judging the merits of someone else’s weakness or addiction!

I hate hypocrites!

I HATE BEING A HYPOCRITE!!!

What do gamblers say about alcoholics then?
Maybe they say…. “How in the hell can someone be addicted to getting drunk?”

“That’s just stupid….throwing your life away like that!”

It’s amazing isn’t it? I’m sitting here shaking my head as I type this and seeing myself a little better.

Of course I look handsome in the mirror, but I obviously need a little work on the inside.

I cannot believe that I was judging other addicts….or anybody come to think of it.

I think I’m gonna get tattoos on the back of my hands that say “Judge not”.

I’m such an asshole sometimes….

I cannot and never will understand why people say that they are addicted to porn, but if porn can be addictive…..I can say
that it is REAL IN THEIR MIND.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a bar and looked across the counter and seen my evil twin “TreyDawg” in the mirror behind the bartender, staring back at me thru rows of bottles, shaking his head….a sad look on his face.

He asks me “How in the hell did we get back in here?”

“I have no idea” thinks I…

Addiction can happen AT ANY TIME!

TO ANYBODY!

It’s not enough to keep your distance from ‘addictive’ things.

You have to actively be on the alert for anything that may ‘tempt’ you.

Needful things….

“I’m not an alcoholic” I said as I pulled myself from the dumpster in the alley behind the bar.

“I’m not an alcoholic” I said as I lay in that water-filled ditch outside a bar.

“I’m not an alcoholic” I said for the rest of my life…..

Denial…

It’s all I had left that was truly mine.

If I couldn’t believe it, how can I fault other people for not believing me?
I have actually stood in front of a beer cooler physically shaking, and contemplating stealing beer because I just realized it is a Sunday and there are ‘No Beer Sales on Sunday’.

I have actually bribed and succeeded sometimes in getting a cashier to sell me beer after hours or on Sundays.

Most times the ‘gratuity’ costs more than the beer did.

I only needed enough to get thru the day you see….

It’s been 2 years since I have had a serious binge. But, I’m going to tell you a secret….

My mouth is watering….I want a beer.

I want a beer bad.

I’m typing this, trying to recall instances of binges and my fucking mouth starts to water….

That…is how close I am to relapse.

On the edge of a razor soaked in alcohol.

I start to think about it, my body STARTS TO CRAVE……

I am actually feeling my body get that ‘anticipation’ feeling all addicts/alcoholics experience.

“He’s thinking about it! That’s a good sign” says the monster inside me.

Weird…and scary.

But for now…I’m fighting it.

You see….My FEAR is greater than my need.

I’ll use anything that works.

But I also know that fear subsides with time….and, I KNOW me.

My pen gently weeps…..

As I write this, I just realized that I must be living in constant fear.

I have to…The “need” is always here….my shadow.

A dread chain…

“I can’t go back….I won’t go back…I will never touch it again”….has said every addict/alcoholic.

What a life, my life.I am sorry that I judged Catherine’s blog and her gambling addiction.

I’m sorry that I was a hypocrite.

But, I’m glad that I was able to recognize this when it happened.

Usually an addict or alcoholic takes a lot more time to figure out that they’re being assholes or truly care about anyone else’s feelings.

You see, every true addict/alcoholic will tell you that we are a selfish lot.

The crux of it is…. Is that we DON’T WANT TO BE THIS WAY.

“Then stop doing it…Change!” say the regular people.

We try every day….every minute.

“Saints are sinners that never quit trying”
Alcoholics/addicts aren’t sinners, at least as far as our addictions go.

We’re just people….

People that have lost our way at some point, on this narrow path called life.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/addiction—that our lives had become Unmanageable.

I’m sorry fellow addicts/alcoholics that I was judgmental….

Does that mean I’m getting normal again!!?? LOL!!!

There is one thing extra I’d like to share with you dear readers.

Something that I have just realized at this moment, as I was trying to end this post.

This blog that I have created….

These stories that I tell….

These memories that I share….

Keep me humble, and aware of my feelings.

I honestly believe that writing keeps me sober.

So…thank you all for being my new addiction!

I crave you…. LOL!!

Are you available this Sunday?