HMRN SS TreysHead

Here I am…

Standing here…

…………..Like a dumbass.

Picture me;

My hands are at my hips (representing the grandmother)

My eyes are scanning the floor at my feet (representing me at 10)

And my mind is blank… trying to recall where I put something (representing most of the human race over 30)

I fell into this predicament because I tried to multi-task without the required software in my brain. An update that I failed to update….

Now, I am in the “I’ll be damned” zone.

Here’s how it happened:

I had been home (my RV) for a day now and it was time to do the laundry.

I loaded up the rancid menswear into a basket, dug through the drawers for quarters, made sure I had my Tide and Bounce (sounds like a Dub step)

Anyways…

I plunged into the brutal South Arkansas heat, plodding through the humidity that hung about me like a lead cloak, fighting off the Bedouin Tribe…..wait… that last parts not true.

Got carried away…sorry. (I’m soo dramatic and creative sometimes)

Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!

Well, anywhos….I finally make it to the wash room after dropping 5 lbs and surviving a mini-stroke.

I……’m better now, thanks for your concern.

Yes, you may touch my pee pee…..

Dammit!! Where’d that come from!?

There I was, trying to tell a damn story, then all of a sudden……BAM!

The dirty old man pops up!!!

Sick bastard…

To hurry this along, I did my laundry…..

I went and got my laundry….

I then bought 2 Cokes and placed them in the basket at opposite corners, next to each of my hands.

That’s where it started to get screwy I think, because I put the basket down on my front steps and grabbed the hose (the crinkly green one like you’ve all seen on QVC or As Seen On TV) and watered my plants.

Of course in this heat, it evaporated within minutes.

Useless…..

I then opened my front door, grabbed the basket, set it inside, and shut the door.

Normal stuff, right….done it a million times right….?

Then, the hitch in my giddy-up….

Something distracted me…just for a freaking split second.

Hey! A squirrel!!!!

That’s when I noticed the envelope on my table I had brought in earlier on one of my desert treks to the park laundry.

Picking it up…”Capitol One?” I hummed…tossing it into the trash…”What’s in your wallet?” I chuckled to myself appreciating my humoristic expertise… (is that a word? I’ll Google it later)

After depositing the letter into the “outgoing” mail with the other vital financial files, I returned my attention to the clean clothes. Bending over toward the basket, I noticed something odd…

“Where are the Cokes?”

I looked in the before mentioned corners…No cokes

I took out each item of folded apparel…Nada

The bottom of the basket was bare…Nyet…Neine!

That’s when I stood and entered into the aforementioned state of bafflement.

“What the hell..?” I said out loud, looking around.

No one answered me.

Crazy people live alone it appears…..

Crap…here we go again. (“WE” are the voices) at least the ones that are still talking to me….

[ Scene 1]

Inside Treys head [Layout of Treys head] Picture a dimly lit Submarine Operations center (“the Con”]

Chekov: “Sir! We’ve got a gap”

Captain Nemo: “Gap…? Again…? I thought we worked that out?”

Bo Derek: “Evidently we missed something sir”

Nemo: “No shit, Sherlock”

 

Scene: Bo Derek running down the beach in a beige one piece.

Real time: See what I have to put up with?

Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!

Nemo: “Okay, let’s heat ‘er up…rig for red”

Her?

Chekov: “Aye sir…rigging for red…Initiating power to core for sweep…”

Real time: I slowly start to rotate my body in a counter-clockwise motion. Looking around my immediate area with growing….bafflement. I have not moved from this spot since I set down the basket. 

–Remember to keep the look of bewilderment on my face until I tell you otherwise…okay?

Chekov: “Power optimal sir, ready for array sweep”

Captain Nemo

Nemo: “Make it so number one”

Vienna Boys Choir: “Aye sir”

Real time: Plagiaristic Bastard is I !!

Real time:

As I continue to spin around…yes…in bafflement…I slowly raise my arms to the crucifix position, splaying my fingers like trying to palm a Basketball…..searching. 

But…now…for some reason I am making noises. I am 50 years old…I am slowly spinning around …with my arms extended, and out of my pursed, baffled lips is coming a sound like…”rumrumrumrumrum…”

Weird.

Chekov: “Array deployed sir, power rerouted to array splay”

Nemo: “That is good…cargo?”

Angelina Jolie: “Nothing on the scope sir, shall I return to your quarters and get in a hot, steamy shower with lots of soapy suds?”

Nemo/Chekov/Vienna Boys Choir: “Make it so!”

Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!

[Sean Connery/SS TreysHead Science Officer] “Captain…may I suggest a reboot of the Ganglia matrix, predominantly covering the Pre-Frontal grid?”

 

Nemo: “What will that accomplish?”

Connery: “Just a way to clear the junk files that the Capital One bug infected, Captain.”

Real time: still spinning, arms out…”rumrumrumrumrum”

Nemo: “Chekov…power dispersal…pressure? Analysis…?”

Chekov: Minimal power loss sir…But, pressure has risen to 150 over 100….she’s stable for now”

She’s?

Nemo: “Initiate File dispersal!!!”

Sophia Loren: “Aye sir” (her hair is messy and it’s humid in here….her boobs are all sticky lookin’)

Grrrrrr……..

FOCUS!!!!

Real time: I come to a stop from my spinning. I sit down. I open my eyes wider to let in more light, to sharpen my focus.

Connery: “Shut down the Optic Array Chekov, you know this unit has a hard time doing 2 things at once”

He called me a “unit”….ha ha

Chekov: “Yes sir…sorry sir”

[Scene] Captain’s quarters…steam rising…a silhouette moving behind the doo…

What the hell…Focus Trey!!

Real time: “Okay…” I mumble. “I know I have not moved from this spot…its only 6’ in a 360 degree circle…” “What the crap did I do with them?”

I’m getting kind of freaked out now. Got to be Dementia…or blood clots!

Nemo: “Stabilize that pressure mister…!”

Donald Duck: “Aye sir” (you know how he talks)

RT: I am literally stressing now…I don’t know what in the hell…or how in the hell…those Cokes vanished!

Plus, I’m starting to get pissed.

Nemo: “Update?”

Chekov: “She’s right on the line sir…but holding”

Damn….

What is up with this “she” shit?!

Charlton Heston: “Dammit man!…specifics!”

Chekov: “The file dump has finished sir, the optical and splayed array were blank…we got nothing sir”

Nemo/Heston/Connery: “Damn!”

Marilyn Monroe: “Sir…shall I slowly bend over and pick up this pen you dropped?”

Nemo/Heston/Connery/Vienna Boys Choir: “Make it so!

Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!

Nemo: “Connery… suggestions?”

Connery:” …Wipe it”

 

Heston: “Dammit man! Wipe it? Are you mad?”

Connery: “It’s the only way to correct our course, Captain…If we continue to maintain this heading the ship will be lost…lost sir”

Nemo: “Chekov my old son…would you be kind enough to…wipe it?”

Devo: “Wipe it good!”

RT: ”Screw this….I’m not sitting here freaking out about this…it’ll drive me nuts! Forget it…they’ll pop up…I probably didn’t even buy the damn things!!!”

Nemo: ” Heading?”

 

Chekov: “Looks like a spot called….Shit Creek, sir; up-river from Denial Bay, sir!”

Nemo: “Break out the oars!”

Angelina Jolie: “We left the paddles on the beach after you spanked my…”

Nemo: “Ahem”

Totally self serving…

Heston: Dammit man! How’re we going to get up  Shit Creek without any paddles!

Nemo: “Steady as she goes…”

RT: I stand up and take the laundry basket (refilled with thoroughly frisked and re-folded clothes) into the bedroom.

I place the basket on my bed…I return to the kitchen. 

I step to the sink to run water for dishes. I add the soap…

Watching bubbles now…dementia coming on fast…

What was I talking about…?

Oh!

I looked at the drainer…”hmmm, better empty that first” I muse.

I pick up the lid of my skillet….

Guess what’s there…?

Yep…Sum Bitch!!!

2 Cokes!!!!

POOF!!

OUTTA FREAKING NOWHERE!!

[Scene: Deck of SS TreysHead] Pandemonium

Alarms screeching…lights flashing…people screaming…Sophia and Angelina in the shower together!!!!

WAIT!!

Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!

I stand there…shaking my head side to side…baffled

Unable to deal with this new input.

Sanity…waning

How…in…the…hell, did they get in there? There is no F’n way?!

I have absolutely no recall of that instant.

None. Nada. Nyet. Neine!

There is only one thing to do now.

Buy some Ensure…and diapers.

……And wait for the home.

I hope they have Jell-o……

Oh…just one more of Angie….

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Skill Set

Sometimes I can be a little….what’s the word, S’Momus?

Full of shit, you say?

This guest blogger thing is fun.

I’m getting to look thru my old posts and read ones that I forgot I even wrote!

When S’Momus first met me, I was in a “Love me” phase.
……Almost 51 years now, I’ve been there….

Yes, sometimes I am full of myself and think too highly of my abilities.

I was going to rule the WordPress blogosphere and turn everything on it’s ear.

Then, I wrote my 2nd post and realized there were lots of other very talented people out there writing their hearts out.

It’s been a fantastic 2 years on my blog and S’Momus, Rene’, Quiall and the englishproffessor are the 4 that supported me first and told me how great I was….

I didn’t need the reassurance but, I appreciated it, nonetheless.

Old chicks dig me….

Enjoy…

I’m not bragging or boasting…no more than usual at least but, I’d like to share with you…some of the skills that set me apart from the rest of y’all.
These talents were bestowed upon me by powers greater than you or myself.

I have to give a shout out to a bit of a Valhalla groove and some Mt. Olympus jive, and of course…just plain God-given gifts.

I want to express my utmost humility in this endeavor and stress that I never asked for these extraordinary abilities. I am just a human being that was fortunate enough to have been born into a higher gene pool than most.

I would worship myself against my own will….

No…No…its okay.

I don’t mind you asking. I try to make sure the little people of the earth find a reason to go on living and reaching for their dreams. Maybe my light can show them the way to a higher plane of fulfillment and getting the most out of their low-born status.

There is a sense of charity, I guess, in sharing my omniscience in most fields of known stuff. I don’t even try to categorize all of my talents anymore. There are so many. I don’t even know if I am proficient in a particular field, study or endeavor until a situation arises and I conquer it. I can’t explain it, it just happens…like popcorn.

Like these 3 Hacks:

1) Albert Einstein – Theory of Relativity
I knew about this way before Einstein. I know I wasn’t born yet, but I was a glint in my dad’s dad’s eye and I was aware even then that when you have NO time, relatives show up.

2) Leonardo DaVinci – Mona Lisa and other stuff, like that church graffiti he done in Rome, Georgia for example.
I have a big problem with this guy. Everybody’s screaming and hollerin’ about how great the Mona Lisa is. I look at it and think “Hell, at least show her boobs!” Italian chicks have great racks!!

3) Walt Disney – Cartoons
I don’t know how he came up with his ideas but I know that I don’t have to take LSD to see talking mouse’s, ducks, dogs, teapots and mermaids…

These goobers are only a smidgen of the wanna-be’s of history.

Mere Peasants….compared to Treyvius Maximus (That’s Latin for “me”)

Now, back to my humbling god-like abilities:

1) I can forget what I was doing at any given second, much faster than the above average person.

2) I can fall asleep in any position as long as I have my Ambien.

3) I can hallucinate in any position…as long as I have my Ambien.

4) I can make up an excuse so fast, that I believe it before I’m even finished with it.

5) I can eat a whole bag of grapes at Wal-Mart without any one ever seeing me. It only takes about 45 round trips to other aisles to throw off suspicious parties.

6) I can look at a woman and know instantly that she does not find me attractive…or know that I’m following her.

[6 addendum] I am impervious to mace, pepper spray, tazers up to 1 million volts and kicks to the sack from Pumps or Croc’s…and Ralph Lauren chick
combat boots…

7) I can forget what I was doing at any given second, much faster than the above average person.

8) Wait….I already said that…didn’t I?

Anyways…

9) I can look at a full trash bag and know someone else is going to take it out…Instantly

10) I can look in a mirror and know for a fact that…yes, I am better looking than yesterday; some things are fucking obvious okay?

[10 addendum] Do you know what it’s like to never be surprised by your own appearance in a mirror? My mirror says “Mm mm mmm, I’d do you if it wasn’t against the bible”

11) I can look at my naked body in a full length mirror and know for a fact, that there’s someone else in my house and they like to hide my dirty books.

12) I can hold my breath for 20 seconds while I bend over to tie my shoes. I tried to hold it longer but, I passed out……That’s why I told NASA about Velcro after I invented it.

13) I can hold 300 full Wal-Mart shopping bags with 5 fingers, while trying to push the cart into the little cart corral thingee, dodging Chevy’s and cussing into my cell phone because the wife just remembered something she didn’t put on the list.

14) I have better times for sex than professional bull-riders. They’re off in 8 seconds…I’m off in 5. My wife has a short attention span, THANK GOD!

15) I can put off everything that must be done without blinking an eye.

16) (Jeopardy Theme….)

17) ….See? I didn’t even blink. But now my eyes are watering.

18) I can convince anyone in the world that they are the most important person to me….I can maintain this illusion for almost 5 seconds. (See above sex prowess statement #14)

[18 ADDENDUM] Always marry a virgin. They’ll think you’re a freakin’ porn star.

19) I can harbor ill-will, animosity, anger, murderous thoughts and spite for anyone at any moment, for an indeterminate time that suits my need for vengeance. I was gonna say jealousy or envy, but when I looked up the words, I realized they’re not in my personal vocabulary. They’re in that Webster Dictionary but, I still didn’t get it.

20) I can think of only myself and never EVER consider someone else’s opinion…Instantly

21) I can make decisions and never EVER consider the consequences or legal statutes

22) I can start out a new post with no idea what it’s gonna be about and still crank one out.

A freaking awesome skill set, baby!

I am the Alpha Dawg amongst puppies.

You’re Welcome for my time,