When I started blogging 7 months ago I was entirely anonymous and felt fairly free in saying pretty much anything. Although I would never identify specific people. Too much of the teacher and private person in me for that.
As time has gone on and I have felt more comfortable within the community and in my writing and strength of feelings on certain subjects I have opened up more about myself but it does give me some concerns.
The more I have revealed of myself the greater the likelihood that I will be discovered and might get into trouble for ‘swearing’ or touching on certain subjects and being identified as a teacher by specific name.
The odd thing is I’m at the point where I don’t give a shit. I’ve been toying with the idea of going for promotion in a particular school and have to make my mind up within the next few days. I then began to think of what impact my blog and posts would have on my prospects and current position if they were connected. And, do you know what? Right at this moment in time I would rather forego promotion and even my job than be shut up.
Now, I’ve just turned 53, Suzie, and you’re just a young thing with your whole career ahead of you so, yes, I would worry more had I been doing this years ago. Now I feel like nothing can shut me up and I need to say what is strong within me. It’s not that I can afford to lose my job. But I feel now that writing and expressing and communication on many levels have become more important and I can’t live another moment, let alone years, not being out here speaking my truths.
Don’t get me wrong, I still think twice about what I post. I review and consider content and ‘flavour’. But, ultimately, I think, see, write and post.
Your post, Suzie, has come at an exact moment of rightness for me because I tonight posted something that was born of an awful day and I thought to myself, ‘Folk won’t like this. Wee Mrs. Sunshine is having an off day.’ But that’s life and it’s real.
You’re real to me, Suzie as are so many of the people I have ‘met’ here. There is a reason why we are blogging. What I am coming to realise is that no matter the blogger, anonymous or otherwise, there is a multitude of people who NEED to communicate to the world. I don’t know all the whys and wherefores of this. But it is a powerfully strong urge and it is important to those doing it. And, I think, to those reading.
It does feel to me like a massive reaching out of hands and minds and souls. People being prepared, even shyly, to open up to others and reveal their truths And, in the process, help each other realise that we are not alone in our experiences and our thoughts and doubts.
There is a world of feeling and understanding and insights to be gained just from the ‘mere’ act of sharing and reading.
I could no more let this go than fly. Although, I do think I can fly anyway. In fact, let me elaborate on that.
I always thought I could fly. Right up until I was in my twenties! If only I could find the way. Then I realised I was being foolish. I stopped believing I could. Although I still wanted to. Now I feel I can again. And that, to me, is writing. If I were to censor too much I would cut my wings. I can’t do that again.
Now I will still do videos ‘incognito’ ‘cos that has as much to do with acting the post as anything else. That and some days I look and feel like shit. And I just want to get the thing done. But, in the immortal words of Meryl Streep, in Mamma Mia!….’for one time and one time only…….
….for those of you who know me a bit and for those of you who know me well or not at all.
My name is Anne-Marie Hurley.
I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, godparent, cousin, teacher, etc, etc, etc. And I am a blogger. Bloggers Anonymous!
But firstly, I am spirit.
Then human.
Then woman.
And if I can’t speak my truths of life as how I see and think and feel then I can’t fly. And I won’t accept that again.
If the teaching profession cannot accept that their teachers are people then it does not deserve to be called education. We all bring ourselves to the job. I am not a pervert. I am not a criminal. But I have thoughts and feelings that I am entitled to express should anyone wish to read them. I will always keep private those things that I feel deserve to be kept thus. Those things I am not privileged to reveal because they concern others and would mar confidences. But, as for the rest, my ‘me-ness’, it’s going out there. Because I will fly freely. I will fall. But, by the rights of all ‘to be’, I will rise again.
I’ve had a shitty day. But now I feel so much better. Thanks, Suzie. YOUR honesty and transparency have convinced me that, for me, right now, there is no other way. Thank you.
And, further to the note of honesty, I am, within the next week or so, going to do an award post that ‘honours’ those who speak out on sexuality and sensuality and are unafraid to do so. We deem certain subjects to be taboo. And yet they are part of all of our lives. We may couch our feelings in poems or pictures or stories but we feel and we think and we are. Shame and judgement does not or should not come into it. I’ll get working on that one. I have no idea yet whether the awards given to me may be used for sex and sensuality but I’m pretty sure I can work around that. 🙂
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