My hands are at my hips (representing the grandmother)
My eyes are scanning the floor at my feet (representing me at 10)
And my mind is blank… trying to recall where I put something (representing most of the human race over 30)
I fell into this predicament because I tried to multi-task without the required software in my brain. An update that I failed to update….
Now, I am in the “I’ll be damned” zone.
Here’s how it happened:
I had been home (my RV) for a day now and it was time to do the laundry.
I loaded up the rancid menswear into a basket, dug through the drawers for quarters, made sure I had my Tide and Bounce (sounds like a Dub step)
I plunged into the brutal South Arkansas heat, plodding through the humidity that hung about me like a lead cloak, fighting off the Bedouin Tribe…..wait… that last parts not true.
Got carried away…sorry. (I’m soo dramatic and creative sometimes)
Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!
Well, anywhos….I finally make it to the wash room after dropping 5 lbs and surviving a mini-stroke.
I……’m better now, thanks for your concern.
Yes, you may touch my pee pee…..
Dammit!! Where’d that come from!?
There I was, trying to tell a damn story, then all of a sudden……BAM!
The dirty old man pops up!!!
To hurry this along, I did my laundry…..
I went and got my laundry….
I then bought 2 Cokes and placed them in the basket at opposite corners, next to each of my hands.
That’s where it started to get screwy I think, because I put the basket down on my front steps and grabbed the hose (the crinkly green one like you’ve all seen on QVC or As Seen On TV) and watered my plants.
Of course in this heat, it evaporated within minutes.
I then opened my front door, grabbed the basket, set it inside, and shut the door.
Normal stuff, right….done it a million times right….?
Then, the hitch in my giddy-up….
Something distracted me…just for a freaking split second.
Hey! A squirrel!!!!
That’s when I noticed the envelope on my table I had brought in earlier on one of my desert treks to the park laundry.
Picking it up…”Capitol One?” I hummed…tossing it into the trash…”What’s in your wallet?” I chuckled to myself appreciating my humoristic expertise… (is that a word? I’ll Google it later)
After depositing the letter into the “outgoing” mail with the other vital financial files, I returned my attention to the clean clothes. Bending over toward the basket, I noticed something odd…
“Where are the Cokes?”
I looked in the before mentioned corners…No cokes
I took out each item of folded apparel…Nada
The bottom of the basket was bare…Nyet…Neine!
That’s when I stood and entered into the aforementioned state of bafflement.
“What the hell..?” I said out loud, looking around.
No one answered me.
Crazy people live alone it appears…..
Crap…here we go again. (“WE” are the voices) at least the ones that are still talking to me….
[ Scene 1]
Inside Treys head [Layout of Treys head] Picture a dimly lit Submarine Operations center (“the Con”]
Chekov: “Sir! We’ve got a gap”
Captain Nemo: “Gap…? Again…? I thought we worked that out?”
Bo Derek: “Evidently we missed something sir”
Nemo: “No shit, Sherlock”
Scene:Bo Derek running down the beach in a beige one piece.
Real time: See what I have to put up with?
Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!
Nemo: “Okay, let’s heat ‘er up…rig for red”
Chekov: “Aye sir…rigging for red…Initiating power to core for sweep…”
Real time: I slowly start to rotate my body in a counter-clockwise motion. Looking around my immediate area with growing….bafflement. I have not moved from this spot since I set down the basket.
–Remember to keep the look of bewilderment on my face until I tell you otherwise…okay?
Chekov: “Power optimal sir, ready for array sweep”
Nemo: “Make it so number one”
Vienna Boys Choir: “Aye sir”
Real time: Plagiaristic Bastard is I !!
As I continue to spin around…yes…in bafflement…I slowly raise my arms to the crucifix position, splaying my fingers like trying to palm a Basketball…..searching.
But…now…for some reason I am making noises. I am 50 years old…I am slowly spinning around …with my arms extended, and out of my pursed, baffled lips is coming a sound like…”rumrumrumrumrum…”
Chekov: “Array deployed sir, power rerouted to array splay”
Nemo: “That is good…cargo?”
Angelina Jolie: “Nothing on the scope sir, shall I return to your quarters and get in a hot, steamy shower with lots of soapy suds?”
Nemo/Chekov/Vienna Boys Choir: “Make it so!”
Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!
[Sean Connery/SS TreysHead Science Officer] “Captain…may I suggest a reboot of the Ganglia matrix, predominantly covering the Pre-Frontal grid?”
Nemo: “What will that accomplish?”
Connery: “Just a way to clear the junk files that the Capital One bug infected, Captain.”
Real time: still spinning, arms out…”rumrumrumrumrum”
“Laacccyyyyyyy!!!!!! Come hither o child of mine!! Please tell me that these….things….are eye patches!”
Plus, it smells funny in there and that cat shits in a box, sometimes.
Now that I think about it, I didn’t even know we had a cat until recently, I just thought it was a door stop or a rumpled rug or a new throw pillow on the couch.
He’s lazy too, evidently.
The “I only eat albacore” No-Rat killing bastard just assumes that if he shit’s in the piles of clothes that he doesn’t have to bury anything in
that dirty old litter-box.
Hide and reek…
One day I’m gonna whip up a batch of teriyaki sauce and eat that damn cat….
…on a paper plate.
The most focused I have ever been is while staring at a balled up piece of paper on the floor next to the trash can after I missed my basketball shot.
I must have stared at that thing for almost 3 minutes.
“Move” my mind said….
The sweat on my forehead was cold, my eyes burned into the ball of trash.
It was an experiment in telekinesis.
I couldn’t get the paper ball to move using my mind, but I moved my wife from “the laundry room” where she was cussing the cat door stop; she picked
up the scrap, looked at me, shook her head then put it in the can.
She’s a lot bigger than a ball of paper so….
Irrefutable, scientific proof.
Identity thief, please steal my wife.
She makes weird noises when she sleeps.
She can’t reach anything.
She blames me for the dirty potty.
She says I use too much toilet paper “What the hell, you trying to write a book!?”
Cleanliness is Godliness.
She waddles when she walks; people at Walmart stare and take iPhone pictures.…
She wrecks every vehicle she has ever had; not just wrecked…totaled!
She kills plastic plants and beloved pets.
“Here Kitty kitty….”
She likes Dr. Pepper for the love of all that is holy!!!
She can’t figure out HOW IN THE HELL to keep spaghetti noodles from sticking together!
I’m not even gonna say anything about her pork chops, other than the fact that when they are served….
I become devoutly Jewish.
Poof! Oi Vay!!!
She slipped me a mickey and got me drunk before our wedding and the only words the preacher could make out from me was “Yepths” or “Ithe doothe”
The words were obviously from the South Georgia Gaelic dialect for “Help” and “Kill Me” or if the intonation is used in a harsher inflection it means “Meet me out back with your car running”
Southerners are so illiterate….
Okay, I gotta go and do a little work and look like I’m a company man.
Identity thief, please steal my…
Hell, I think I’ll just keep everything like it is if y’all don’t mind.
Low cost and high maintenance….
So, y’all take care and don’t let whitey keep you down.
Love and smooches from your favorite Saltine American….
P.S: Please Donate to the Destitute Treyzguy fund.
Credit cards only….
I wish I had started earlier, the writing part I mean.
I was 19 when I took my first drink.
A Crying Shame….
I scored the winning touchdown during a junior varsity football game.
It was a 58 yard touchdown.
My first touchdown.
There was only 1:16 left on the clock in the 4th quarter.
I was the hero for the next day.
Then, life went on….
I was working on a power plant as an Ironworker. I was sitting on top of the highest steel point of the structure, 340’ above the ground.
2 fighter planes from a nearby base had been using our construction site as a mock target for about a month.
This particular day, they flew by the building so low and so slow, I saw one of the pilots throw me a salute as they passed.
I waved back.
Then, life went on…
My daughter was born, and we gave her a name that was on the front of a baby name book sitting beside my wife’s bed.
We called her “Copyright 1985”.
No, not really. Her beautiful name is Stephanie.
She doesn’t call me daddy anymore.
She doesn’t call me at all.
That doesn’t stop me loving her though.
I call her every day in my mind.
Life goes on.
Of course I remember when both my son’s were born, but not with as much clarity as the first.
I had started drinking by then.
I don’t remember how or why I started, but I can assure you that it robbed me of memories.
Maybe I shouldn’t say “robbed’.
I’ll say “I gave them away”
I have some idea why I started, but I can’t blame that on my wife or the new responsibilities of a father.
I won’t even blame the sexual abuse, my Bi-polar dad or my depressed mother with abuse in her childhood.
I just can’t remember why I started to drink.
I will write about particular occurrences or what I can recall of them in later posts.
Something happened the other day that surprised me and made me look at myself in a different light.
It made me ashamed of myself, but also helped me to realize that this is what sober people probably thought of me….through their eyes.
I have started following a blog from Catherine Lyon, a recovering “Gambling” addict.
Catherine had read and commented on one of my ‘sad’ posts. I pulled up her site to return the courtesy and to see
what she was all about.
When I saw that she was a gambling addict, I began to explore some of the details she was giving about her life and addiction.
Do you know what the first thought in my freaking mind was….?
How in the hell can someone be addicted to gambling?
That’s just stupid….throwing your money away like that!
I have no concept of someone
“NEEDING” to buy a lottery ticket or “NEEDING” to play a slot machine!
I didn’t have that problem.
I can take it or leave it.
The only reason I even buy a lottery ticket or two during the year is mainly because I have a dollar or two left over from a purchase, or I’m bored.
Can you believe I actually thought that?
Me…? A freaking alcoholic, judging the merits of someone else’s weakness or addiction!
I hate hypocrites!
I HATE BEING A HYPOCRITE!!!
What do gamblers say about alcoholics then?
Maybe they say…. “How in the hell can someone be addicted to getting drunk?”
“That’s just stupid….throwing your life away like that!”
It’s amazing isn’t it? I’m sitting here shaking my head as I type this and seeing myself a little better.
Of course I look handsome in the mirror, but I obviously need a little work on the inside.
I cannot believe that I was judging other addicts….or anybody come to think of it.
I think I’m gonna get tattoos on the back of my hands that say “Judge not”.
I’m such an asshole sometimes….
I cannot and never will understand why people say that they are addicted to porn, but if porn can be addictive…..I can say
that it is REAL IN THEIR MIND.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a bar and looked across the counter and seen my evil twin “TreyDawg” in the mirror behind the bartender, staring back at me thru rows of bottles, shaking his head….a sad look on his face.
He asks me “How in the hell did we get back in here?”
“I have no idea” thinks I…
Addiction can happen AT ANY TIME!
It’s not enough to keep your distance from ‘addictive’ things.
You have to actively be on the alert for anything that may ‘tempt’ you.
“I’m not an alcoholic” I said as I pulled myself from the dumpster in the alley behind the bar.
“I’m not an alcoholic” I said as I lay in that water-filled ditch outside a bar.
“I’m not an alcoholic” I said for the rest of my life…..
It’s all I had left that was truly mine.
If I couldn’t believe it, how can I fault other people for not believing me?
I have actually stood in front of a beer cooler physically shaking, and contemplating stealing beer because I just realized it is a Sunday and there are ‘No Beer Sales on Sunday’.
I have actually bribed and succeeded sometimes in getting a cashier to sell me beer after hours or on Sundays.
Most times the ‘gratuity’ costs more than the beer did.
I only needed enough to get thru the day you see….
It’s been 2 years since I have had a serious binge. But, I’m going to tell you a secret….
My mouth is watering….I want a beer.
I want a beer bad.
I’m typing this, trying to recall instances of binges and my fucking mouth starts to water….
That…is how close I am to relapse.
On the edge of a razor soaked in alcohol.
I start to think about it, my body STARTS TO CRAVE……
I am actually feeling my body get that ‘anticipation’ feeling all addicts/alcoholics experience.
“He’s thinking about it! That’s a good sign” says the monster inside me.
But for now…I’m fighting it.
You see….My FEAR is greater than my need.
I’ll use anything that works.
But I also know that fear subsides with time….and, I KNOW me.
My pen gently weeps…..
As I write this, I just realized that I must be living in constant fear.
I have to…The “need” is always here….my shadow.
A dread chain…
“I can’t go back….I won’t go back…I will never touch it again”….has said every addict/alcoholic.
What a life, my life.I am sorry that I judged Catherine’s blog and her gambling addiction.
I’m sorry that I was a hypocrite.
But, I’m glad that I was able to recognize this when it happened.
Usually an addict or alcoholic takes a lot more time to figure out that they’re being assholes or truly care about anyone else’s feelings.
You see, every true addict/alcoholic will tell you that we are a selfish lot.
The crux of it is…. Is that we DON’T WANT TO BE THIS WAY.
“Then stop doing it…Change!” say the regular people.
We try every day….every minute.
“Saints are sinners that never quit trying”
Alcoholics/addicts aren’t sinners, at least as far as our addictions go.
We’re just people….
People that have lost our way at some point, on this narrow path called life.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/addiction—that our lives had become Unmanageable.
I’m sorry fellow addicts/alcoholics that I was judgmental….
Does that mean I’m getting normal again!!?? LOL!!!
There is one thing extra I’d like to share with you dear readers.
Something that I have just realized at this moment, as I was trying to end this post.
Sometimes I can be a little….what’s the word, S’Momus?
Full of shit, you say?
This guest blogger thing is fun.
I’m getting to look thru my old posts and read ones that I forgot I even wrote!
When S’Momus first met me, I was in a “Love me” phase.
……Almost 51 years now, I’ve been there….
Yes, sometimes I am full of myself and think too highly of my abilities.
I was going to rule the WordPress blogosphere and turn everything on it’s ear.
Then, I wrote my 2nd post and realized there were lots of other very talented people out there writing their hearts out.
It’s been a fantastic 2 years on my blog and S’Momus, Rene’, Quiall and the englishproffessor are the 4 that supported me first and told me how great I was….
I didn’t need the reassurance but, I appreciated it, nonetheless.
Old chicks dig me….
I’m not bragging or boasting…no more than usual at least but, I’d like to share with you…some of the skills that set me apart from the rest of y’all.
These talents were bestowed upon me by powers greater than you or myself.
I have to give a shout out to a bit of a Valhalla groove and some Mt. Olympus jive, and of course…just plain God-given gifts.
I want to express my utmost humility in this endeavor and stress that I never asked for these extraordinary abilities. I am just a human being that was fortunate enough to have been born into a higher gene pool than most.
I would worship myself against my own will….
I don’t mind you asking. I try to make sure the little people of the earth find a reason to go on living and reaching for their dreams. Maybe my light can show them the way to a higher plane of fulfillment and getting the most out of their low-born status.
There is a sense of charity, I guess, in sharing my omniscience in most fields of known stuff. I don’t even try to categorize all of my talents anymore. There are so many. I don’t even know if I am proficient in a particular field, study or endeavor until a situation arises and I conquer it. I can’t explain it, it just happens…like popcorn.
Like these 3 Hacks:
1) Albert Einstein – Theory of Relativity
I knew about this way before Einstein. I know I wasn’t born yet, but I was a glint in my dad’s dad’s eye and I was aware even then that when you have NO time, relatives show up.
2) Leonardo DaVinci – Mona Lisa and other stuff, like that church graffiti he done in Rome, Georgia for example.
I have a big problem with this guy. Everybody’s screaming and hollerin’ about how great the Mona Lisa is. I look at it and think “Hell, at least show her boobs!” Italian chicks have great racks!!
3) Walt Disney – Cartoons
I don’t know how he came up with his ideas but I know that I don’t have to take LSD to see talking mouse’s, ducks, dogs, teapots and mermaids…
These goobers are only a smidgen of the wanna-be’s of history.
Mere Peasants….compared to Treyvius Maximus (That’s Latin for “me”)
Now, back to my humbling god-like abilities:
1) I can forget what I was doing at any given second, much faster than the above average person.
2) I can fall asleep in any position as long as I have my Ambien.
3) I can hallucinate in any position…as long as I have my Ambien.
4) I can make up an excuse so fast, that I believe it before I’m even finished with it.
5) I can eat a whole bag of grapes at Wal-Mart without any one ever seeing me. It only takes about 45 round trips to other aisles to throw off suspicious parties.
6) I can look at a woman and know instantly that she does not find me attractive…or know that I’m following her.
[6 addendum] I am impervious to mace, pepper spray, tazers up to 1 million volts and kicks to the sack from Pumps or Croc’s…and Ralph Lauren chick
7) I can forget what I was doing at any given second, much faster than the above average person.
8) Wait….I already said that…didn’t I?
9) I can look at a full trash bag and know someone else is going to take it out…Instantly
10) I can look in a mirror and know for a fact that…yes, I am better looking than yesterday; some things are fucking obvious okay?
[10 addendum] Do you know what it’s like to never be surprised by your own appearance in a mirror? My mirror says “Mm mm mmm, I’d do you if it wasn’t against the bible”
11) I can look at my naked body in a full length mirror and know for a fact, that there’s someone else in my house and they like to hide my dirty books.
12) I can hold my breath for 20 seconds while I bend over to tie my shoes. I tried to hold it longer but, I passed out……That’s why I told NASA about Velcro after I invented it.
13) I can hold 300 full Wal-Mart shopping bags with 5 fingers, while trying to push the cart into the little cart corral thingee, dodging Chevy’s and cussing into my cell phone because the wife just remembered something she didn’t put on the list.
14) I have better times for sex than professional bull-riders. They’re off in 8 seconds…I’m off in 5. My wife has a short attention span, THANK GOD!
15) I can put off everything that must be done without blinking an eye.
16) (Jeopardy Theme….)
17) ….See? I didn’t even blink. But now my eyes are watering.
18) I can convince anyone in the world that they are the most important person to me….I can maintain this illusion for almost 5 seconds. (See above sex prowess statement #14)
[18 ADDENDUM] Always marry a virgin. They’ll think you’re a freakin’ porn star.
19) I can harbor ill-will, animosity, anger, murderous thoughts and spite for anyone at any moment, for an indeterminate time that suits my need for vengeance. I was gonna say jealousy or envy, but when I looked up the words, I realized they’re not in my personal vocabulary. They’re in that Webster Dictionary but, I still didn’t get it.
20) I can think of only myself and never EVER consider someone else’s opinion…Instantly
21) I can make decisions and never EVER consider the consequences or legal statutes
22) I can start out a new post with no idea what it’s gonna be about and still crank one out.
While Anne-Marie is fulfilling her life long dream of penning the greatest of works, she has honored me by asking me to guest blog for her. This is a first for me, and although tempted to try and find some long forgotten work no one has seen before, I thought I would attempt something fresh and new, so there you have it or rather, here you have it.
Charles is a friend of mine, single dad, who lost two children in a fire in the winter of 1996, in their home in Northwest Arkansas. This is what he shared with me happened the following November, in the valley, it’s what I now share with you. – Daniel
Charlie dons the valley, like a coat of sunset colors, as he sinks into spring waters past his knees. Above him climbs the maple, in November where his Able, thought his first look at the stars helped him believe. Charlie stares at water, that is colder than hells hotter, and he bends a little closer just to see. Was it just this summer that he moved into the meadow, where the tall grass met the stones that bore two names. Was it just the ghost of fire that came down from the hollow, was it grief delirium, was he insane?
That was just a skimmer, swimming through light growing dimmer, as he sits up in the water to his waist. From the leafless bustle in the maple comes a rustle, and he looks up, as if he hears his name. Airless for his trouble, as his eyes close to the struggle of the pictures that his Shaland drew that day. Daddy, I am near you, when you’re eating your cold dinner, when you’re not in the valley, when you’re away.
Charlie stares at dead land, cross the meadow grayer, colder like disease. Hattie’s woods are glowing, cross the bottom, ghost are showing, children moving in degrees. Up the valley stands a chimney, ravens flying, waters cold as it slips beneath his sleeves. Able stirring, his hair moving, summoning the November breeze. Shaland flying, moving dead grass, her essence, beckoning creations relief. Charlie screams into the water, crying louder no more please.
Death cannot make death go away, winter storms do not hold fire at bay, when the kingdom sums, a child’s breath does succumb, not one but two a valley view, cannot control this man of grief this day.
Charlie of the valley, less his children in the vale, bones melted as they fell.
His head slips in the stream, what darkness love can bring, he floats beneath, to end the final day.
Charlie dons the valley, moving water, moving water, and she blesses him with the parting of the waves. He reaches for someone, two arms glow like the sun, the judged of man, has risen from his grave. Charlie walks the valley, Hattie’s woods upon the border, watching ghost so full of order come to play. Able moves his way, Shaland wants to stay, their arms still wet, they smile and fade to grey.
Charlie dons the valley, like a coat of sunset colors, as he moves into his life from dusk to day. – דָּנִיֵּאל
It is an honour and joy for me to guest blog at Scottishmomus. Anne-Marie is very dear to me, and to think that we have not even met up in person (yet). But we have met numerous times over the net, via emails and between each blog post. Our friendship blossomed through our mutual love for words, and passion for humanity. Technology has enabled us to find each other. With it, I have also found a beautiful soul sister in Anne-Marie. For this and more, I am truly grateful.
Technology can truly be used for the greater good when we make it so. I’ve witnessed how this wonderful blogging community has evolved over time, making it possible for writers and friends from all around the world to connect. I get to marvel at each unique talent at work (and play) in the process.
The blogging and writing arena is no different than the real world. It is not always smooth sailing, but there is always sparks of brilliance.
There are times when the pen bleeds, but nothing comes forth. No words would adorn the page. No verses could spell out the emotions that lay buried.
But there are times when our hearts open up, and then the pen drips boundlessly as if by magic, from one page to the next – eager to fill up the emptiness, staining that white papery sheet with love, pain, happiness, sadness, hopes, fears, dreams and whatever else that lies beyond.
If you can write, write.
If you can draw, please draw.
If you can sing, please drown the noise with your melodious voice.
Whatever it is that you are good at doing, or enjoy doing – just please do it.
Don’t let your fears hold you back.
As Steven Pressfield wrote in “The War of Art” ~ “Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention on the part of the actor. It’s a gift to the world and every being in it. Don’t cheat us of your contribution. Give us what you’ve got.”
So, channel all your emotions and creativity into form.
Bring them to life, and share with the world.
We are all better because of it.
Your talent is a gift.
It adds value to our perspectives, and enriches our humanity.
So, please don’t stop. And if you have yet to start, please choose your “medium” and begin.
As we await for Anne-Marie to complete her novel, may each of us continue to colour the world with our own magical “wand”.
My name is Lisa. I run a blog land called Underground Energy and I am the next guest to post in the land of Anne-Marie. In my land, we discuss life in general and in depth, sideways and from the bird’s eye view; even upside down. I’m married to Johnny Ojanpera, so many times our blogs overlap. Sometimes, it’s even funny, as we each run a “secret” tabloid on the other.
Anyway, I was in deep thought today and my mind did some pond wandering to wolf packs, which got me to thinking about the people I hang out with, or my wolf pack. Because in my land we are all wolves. You see, my wolf pack is a pack of lone wolves. Yes, you heard me correctly. We are indeed a pack of lone wolves. For some reason or other, each of us has had to take a path that has been pretty isolated.
So, when the Hopi elder gave the advice that everyone should have a pack, we did the only thing lone wolves could do. We started a pack of lone wolves. We had some issues to work out. Negotiations that we had to naturally come to terms with over such a suggestion of being part of a pack. It was rather absurd at first. We actually enjoy being in silence, alone, together. Yes, alone together, that is the simplest way to describe it.
I think the hardest part of being in our wolf pack is setting a pace that is good for everyone, but eventually we come to terms and then we are a well oiled machine.
Oh, we also write fiction, poetry, novels,op-eds, the occasionally conspiracy theory, bitch about the world’s problems, mental problems, pretend to portal to other worlds, draw, paint, write music, sing, dance, laugh, take photographs with the occasional photo war, raise children and have animals as friends. Oh!, and we have a weekly music theme.
Disclaimer: Sometimes the trees are upside down in our world. Writers, I swear, always coming up with shit that isn’t there. 😉
“Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.”