Here I am…
Standing here…
…………..Like a dumbass.
Picture me;
My hands are at my hips (representing the grandmother)
My eyes are scanning the floor at my feet (representing me at 10)
And my mind is blank… trying to recall where I put something (representing most of the human race over 30)
I fell into this predicament because I tried to multi-task without the required software in my brain. An update that I failed to update….
Now, I am in the “I’ll be damned” zone.
Here’s how it happened:
I had been home (my RV) for a day now and it was time to do the laundry.
I loaded up the rancid menswear into a basket, dug through the drawers for quarters, made sure I had my Tide and Bounce (sounds like a Dub step)
Anyways…
I plunged into the brutal South Arkansas heat, plodding through the humidity that hung about me like a lead cloak, fighting off the Bedouin Tribe…..wait… that last parts not true.
Got carried away…sorry. (I’m soo dramatic and creative sometimes)
Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!
Well, anywhos….I finally make it to the wash room after dropping 5 lbs and surviving a mini-stroke.
I……’m better now, thanks for your concern.
Yes, you may touch my pee pee…..
Dammit!! Where’d that come from!?
There I was, trying to tell a damn story, then all of a sudden……BAM!
The dirty old man pops up!!!
Sick bastard…
To hurry this along, I did my laundry…..
I went and got my laundry….
I then bought 2 Cokes and placed them in the basket at opposite corners, next to each of my hands.
That’s where it started to get screwy I think, because I put the basket down on my front steps and grabbed the hose (the crinkly green one like you’ve all seen on QVC or As Seen On TV) and watered my plants.
Of course in this heat, it evaporated within minutes.
Useless…..
I then opened my front door, grabbed the basket, set it inside, and shut the door.
Normal stuff, right….done it a million times right….?
Then, the hitch in my giddy-up….
Something distracted me…just for a freaking split second.
Hey! A squirrel!!!!
That’s when I noticed the envelope on my table I had brought in earlier on one of my desert treks to the park laundry.
Picking it up…”Capitol One?” I hummed…tossing it into the trash…”What’s in your wallet?” I chuckled to myself appreciating my humoristic expertise… (is that a word? I’ll Google it later)
After depositing the letter into the “outgoing” mail with the other vital financial files, I returned my attention to the clean clothes. Bending over toward the basket, I noticed something odd…
“Where are the Cokes?”
I looked in the before mentioned corners…No cokes
I took out each item of folded apparel…Nada
The bottom of the basket was bare…Nyet…Neine!
That’s when I stood and entered into the aforementioned state of bafflement.
“What the hell..?” I said out loud, looking around.
No one answered me.
Crazy people live alone it appears…..
Crap…here we go again. (“WE” are the voices) at least the ones that are still talking to me….
[ Scene 1]
Inside Treys head [Layout of Treys head] Picture a dimly lit Submarine Operations center (“the Con”]
Chekov: “Sir! We’ve got a gap”
Captain Nemo: “Gap…? Again…? I thought we worked that out?”
Bo Derek: “Evidently we missed something sir”
Nemo: “No shit, Sherlock”
Scene: Bo Derek running down the beach in a beige one piece.
Real time: See what I have to put up with?
Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!
Nemo: “Okay, let’s heat ‘er up…rig for red”
Her?
Chekov: “Aye sir…rigging for red…Initiating power to core for sweep…”
Real time: I slowly start to rotate my body in a counter-clockwise motion. Looking around my immediate area with growing….bafflement. I have not moved from this spot since I set down the basket.
–Remember to keep the look of bewilderment on my face until I tell you otherwise…okay?
Chekov: “Power optimal sir, ready for array sweep”
Nemo: “Make it so number one”
Vienna Boys Choir: “Aye sir”
Real time: Plagiaristic Bastard is I !!
Real time:
As I continue to spin around…yes…in bafflement…I slowly raise my arms to the crucifix position, splaying my fingers like trying to palm a Basketball…..searching.
But…now…for some reason I am making noises. I am 50 years old…I am slowly spinning around …with my arms extended, and out of my pursed, baffled lips is coming a sound like…”rumrumrumrumrum…”
Weird.
Chekov: “Array deployed sir, power rerouted to array splay”
Nemo: “That is good…cargo?”
Angelina Jolie: “Nothing on the scope sir, shall I return to your quarters and get in a hot, steamy shower with lots of soapy suds?”
Nemo/Chekov/Vienna Boys Choir: “Make it so!”
Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!
[Sean Connery/SS TreysHead Science Officer] “Captain…may I suggest a reboot of the Ganglia matrix, predominantly covering the Pre-Frontal grid?”
Nemo: “What will that accomplish?”
Connery: “Just a way to clear the junk files that the Capital One bug infected, Captain.”
Real time: still spinning, arms out…”rumrumrumrumrum”
Nemo: “Chekov…power dispersal…pressure? Analysis…?”
Chekov: Minimal power loss sir…But, pressure has risen to 150 over 100….she’s stable for now”
She’s?
Nemo: “Initiate File dispersal!!!”
Sophia Loren: “Aye sir” (her hair is messy and it’s humid in here….her boobs are all sticky lookin’)
Grrrrrr……..
FOCUS!!!!
Real time: I come to a stop from my spinning. I sit down. I open my eyes wider to let in more light, to sharpen my focus.
Connery: “Shut down the Optic Array Chekov, you know this unit has a hard time doing 2 things at once”
He called me a “unit”….ha ha
Chekov: “Yes sir…sorry sir”
[Scene] Captain’s quarters…steam rising…a silhouette moving behind the doo…
What the hell…Focus Trey!!
Real time: “Okay…” I mumble. “I know I have not moved from this spot…its only 6’ in a 360 degree circle…” “What the crap did I do with them?”
I’m getting kind of freaked out now. Got to be Dementia…or blood clots!
Nemo: “Stabilize that pressure mister…!”
Donald Duck: “Aye sir” (you know how he talks)
RT: I am literally stressing now…I don’t know what in the hell…or how in the hell…those Cokes vanished!
Plus, I’m starting to get pissed.
Nemo: “Update?”
Chekov: “She’s right on the line sir…but holding”
What is up with this “she” shit?!
Charlton Heston: “Dammit man!…specifics!”
Chekov: “The file dump has finished sir, the optical and splayed array were blank…we got nothing sir”
Nemo/Heston/Connery: “Damn!”
Marilyn Monroe: “Sir…shall I slowly bend over and pick up this pen you dropped?”
Nemo/Heston/Connery/Vienna Boys Choir: “Make it so!
Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!
Nemo: “Connery… suggestions?”
Connery:” …Wipe it”
Heston: “Dammit man! Wipe it? Are you mad?”
Connery: “It’s the only way to correct our course, Captain…If we continue to maintain this heading the ship will be lost…lost sir”
Nemo: “Chekov my old son…would you be kind enough to…wipe it?”
Devo: “Wipe it good!”
RT: ”Screw this….I’m not sitting here freaking out about this…it’ll drive me nuts! Forget it…they’ll pop up…I probably didn’t even buy the damn things!!!”
Nemo: ” Heading?”
Chekov: “Looks like a spot called….Shit Creek, sir; up-river from Denial Bay, sir!”
Nemo: “Break out the oars!”
Angelina Jolie: “We left the paddles on the beach after you spanked my…”
Nemo: “Ahem”
Heston: Dammit man! How’re we going to get up Shit Creek without any paddles!
Nemo: “Steady as she goes…”
RT: I stand up and take the laundry basket (refilled with thoroughly frisked and re-folded clothes) into the bedroom.
I place the basket on my bed…I return to the kitchen.
I step to the sink to run water for dishes. I add the soap…
Watching bubbles now…dementia coming on fast…
What was I talking about…?
Oh!
I looked at the drainer…”hmmm, better empty that first” I muse.
I pick up the lid of my skillet….
Guess what’s there…?
Yep…Sum Bitch!!!
2 Cokes!!!!
POOF!!
OUTTA FREAKING NOWHERE!!
[Scene: Deck of SS TreysHead] Pandemonium
Alarms screeching…lights flashing…people screaming…Sophia and Angelina in the shower together!!!!
WAIT!!
Real time: C’mon Trey…Focus! ADHD sux!
I stand there…shaking my head side to side…baffled
Unable to deal with this new input.
Sanity…waning
How…in…the…hell, did they get in there? There is no F’n way?!
I have absolutely no recall of that instant.
None. Nada. Nyet. Neine!
There is only one thing to do now.
Buy some Ensure…and diapers.
……And wait for the home.
I hope they have Jell-o……
Oh…just one more of Angie….
scottishmomus 